Tuesday, September 21, 2004

"Fear will kill me, all i could be, lift these sorrows, let me breathe" - Alter Bridge

sometimes i question myself whether i should avoid putting things that i have problems with down here to avoid stumbling people... but i guess i can't pretend i'm perfect, i do struggle and wrestle with things....

I can't go for Youth Camp this year because 2 days of the camp land on school days, where i'm having my internship.... this is despite me saying that the camp should be held at an earlier date for the sake of the poly students who wont get another chance to go for Youth Camp after this year.... as in this year's the last year we can make it.... period. Yet the person organising it chose to book the campsite on the date where we cant make it... because it's the only slot left... it's understandable... but then i'm still asking, we don't HAVE to go to the campsite right? there are other places.... for example our 12 million dollar church that would have just finished renovating?
sigh, i can't say that i blame the person organising it... but yet i can't say i'm happy at all.... i felt like a dagger had been driven through my heart when i was told that it was on the 11th to 14th, instead of the 1st week of dec...
What i really don't get is what God wants me to do now.... He placed in me such a strong desire to serve Him... and it's one of my greatest joys to serve Him during Youth Camp, especially after the way He used me and others last year... Now, that joy is taken away... it's too painful to know that I can't go for something so close to my heart... right now i'm even thinking about going to the 3rd place until the end of the year, so that i wont get attached to stuff in YM.... guess i can feel to a certain degree of how euclid before he left. To do that is probably something i gotta ask myself whether i should be doing.... I feel alone right now, i barely get to talk to my close friends... Even if i do get to talk to someone, i barely feel any lighter of my load.... except with a certain individual or another...
I really don't know what's in store for me... maybe i should help out with the ONE camp at truthmin.... thinking of perhaps working at 3rd place during my holidays too... i don't know right now.... all i know is that i am stumbled, and i'm gonna have to bleed for awhile....

amazing how rock bands can really speak of how you're feeling when you're down...

On broken wings I’m falling
and it won’t be long
The skin on me is burning
By the fires of the sun
On skinned knees I’m bleeding
and it won’t be long
I’ve got to find that meaning
I’ll search for so long

"Broken Wings" - Alter Bridge

Friday, September 17, 2004

And the projects rumble in....

projects due coz it's the last week of school... getting kinda exhausting coz i see so many projects to do... some of them are quite silly... 2 business plans.... blarg.... Just gotta do what i have to do... one step at a time. But the thought of everything is just such a turn off...

The Blues aren't over yet... right now, i'm thinking... 168hrs (1 week) ago, i would be at the conference at this very moment worshipping God with so many other people, where i felt COMPLETELY free as i worshipped Him. It would have been just the 1st night only too.... sigh... just remembering everything just makes me really emotional... think that's the word to use... actually i can't really describe the way i feel right now.... just blues. ok i gotta stop thinking so much about the conference... even though it makes me think of all the good stuff that happened in it, it's also making me feel horrible that i'm in a different situation now....

just got back from observing the 9am band practice for Sunday's worship... was rather interesting again.... used to observe last time back when they practiced in the sanctuary... but back then, i had just begun to lead worship, didn't play an instrument etc... lack of experience.... now, after all this time, it's a large change in perspective... observed things that can be improved upon etc...

gtg and kun now... still not 100% recovered yet...

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Consuming Fire - United Live
got this from Ben's Blog... think it's a really powerful song.... and it's my prayer for the Church right now...

There must be more than this,
O breath of God come breathe within,
There must be more than this,
Spirit of God we wait for You.

Fill us anew we pray,
Fill us anew we pray.

(Chorus)
Consuming fire fan into flame,
A passion for Your Name,
Spirit of God fall in this place,
Lord have Your way,
Lord have Your way with us,

Come like a rushing wind,
Clothe us with power from on high,
Now set the captives free,
Leave us abandoned to Your praise.

Lord let Your glory fall,
Lord let Your glory fall.

Stir it up in our hearts Lord,
Stir it up in our hearts Lord,
Stir it up in our hearts Lord,
A passion for Your Name.

The trend of Blues

yep, got them old Conference/Camp blues again... just missing the whole atmosphere of being around with so many brothers and sisters worshipping together, being able to share how God has touched you etc....
Makes me wish i could do that for the rest of my life... to be able to work in the church and see these things happening everyday, just brings so much joy to me. Can't imagine myself doing anything else for the rest of my life.... some people say it's in my blood.... i dunno... all i know is that i wanna serve full-time in the church...
But right now, i still have Poly and NS to deal with...
At the same time right now, i'm feeling lonely... my closest friends are busy... it's hard to find the right people to talk to.... it's hard to have to face these blues alone... just wish i was back 3 days...
But that wouldn't be real...
tomorrow, i'm going back to school, finally after the conference and my medical leave... let's hope i can face up to it... I gotta approach things with a victorious attitude, but right now, i don't know if i have the strength to... Lord, I ask that You carry me...

Monday, September 13, 2004

I have returned again... i'm sick....
alright... i'm at home now, after having slept 12 hours straight... and i'm still tired... why? my throat is sore, and i think i have a fever coz i feel rather warm even though it's about to rain here. Not going to school today for obvious reasons... gotta see the doctor later to get MC.. blagh... why can't there be an online MC system... hah... ok i'm being wee-tar-dirt...

On another note, the Young Methodist Leader's Conference was amazing... absolutely an eye opener and a recharge... some of us discovered gifts we didn't have... and ultimately realised that the Methodist Church is moving towards a revival... we're just a few coals on fire, and the rest of the church is still unlit, but through the fanning by the Holy Spirit, the rest will catch fire eventually.

I saw my old school buddies from barker, andrew chang and andrew chia... and it's amazing, they too are on fire for God and yearn to see Him move in their church too.... this is despite the fact that we all used to be crazy kids, doing stupid stuff last time... we all had matured into God-fearing Christians.

Quite a few of us from TMC saw how the worship was like at the conference, and wanted to see TMC's worship develop into something like that... where the congregation truly worships God without any inhibitions.

There were so many things that we took back from the Conference, but ultimately, we all know that God is moving the Methodist Church, and He will not pass us by....

Thursday, September 09, 2004

I'm Blogging!!!
rite... won't know if anyone will read this cos readership has dropped since i've stopped blogging, but decided that it's time for me to start blogging again... finally after a whole month of not blogging...
well tomorrow i'm going to Johor! for Young Methodist Leaders Conference... looking forward to it... the one last year was really really good... looking forward to seeing all the people who i met there, people who i know like pastor foo...
Also, TMC is gonna be back up within a month's time, or a month and a half... which is really short in either case... so many things to be excited about....
on the other hand, exams are in 3 weeks... a bit worried... but think i can handle it this year....
gtg for dinner now.... *sniff*.... po-tae-toes