Monday, January 31, 2005

brainless...

feeling quite brainless right now... just bored in school... i should be spending more time on my project but i cant seem to find the codings that i need online. I'm an idiot at coding when it comes to making something from scratch. Ask me to edit something, probably can... start from scratch... errr.... duh....

anyway, it was a pretty interesting week. met up with Jacob last monday to discuss with him on how i felt etc... somehow he got the idea that i wanted to leave TMC and go to Wesley or something like that. I was thinking of just going to Wesley for a short time to observe the ministries there, and whether they do face the same problems as we do in Youth Ministry. Not completely leave TMC. back to the topic, Jacob talked to me on focus with 1 Peter 5. About making disciples because i want to, not because i have to.... i admit, i have been doing stuff in TMC YM because i have to, or i impose it upon myself to be there because nobody else seems to be taking up the responsibility. In other words, i found myself doing things out of duty.
He also talked about how i've been concentrating so much on ministry, and i haven't realised that i need to be looking at what runs the ministry. I got so into doing things in ministry, that i forgot that i still need to disciple. If i haven't done that, then the ministry lacks purpose. The ministry is there for leaders to disciple others and to get others into participation of the ministry. If i dont look into discipling, then i'm gonna be stuck in a never-ending cycle of seeing nobody else take up responsibilities in the ministries.

when i first talked to Jacob about me wanting to do full-time ministry back when i had just finished my Os, i remember sitting with Jacob at a coffeeshop... and he told me that before i consider going to theological college or go full-time, find 3 disciples and nurture them. Just 3.
I remember realising that it wasn't so easy... that people at that point of time didn't respect me enough to let me disciple them. That's why i looked into constantly improving myself as a christian. Am i mature enough, such that people respect me now? i don't know. maybe i'm not at that stage yet, maybe i am. I hope i realise the truth soon.

One of the reasons why i felt disappointed with myself is because ALL the other youth my age, from Terri to Abner have gone ahead to become youth mentors, except for me. That's why i asked myself whether i was doing the right things, whether i truly am searching to serve God in every aspect of my life. I don't know what the mentors' reasons are in not selecting me to become a youth mentor. I can't judge their decision. But i can't help but feel incompetent because of that. The thing that made me feel better was Jacob telling me to seek God's favour and not man's favour. Maybe i just need to ignore my desire to be acknowledged by man. Yet at the same time, i want to know whether i have found God's favour.

Yesterday, we had a prayer for the church leaders, including all the Youth Mentors. I sat there as the rest stood and went up to the front, and it still hurt me... i am human... i still do desire man's approval... i have to change.

Monday, January 24, 2005

Trapped in Genjutsu

Fusion was amazing, another one of those experiences that i will always remember for a long time to come. come to think of it, now i feel like something's missing in my schedule now that there arent any more practices or any anticipation of any event. Sure it may be tiring, but it is definately worth the energy.

I'm quite lost now... not sure what i have to do next. so many ifs and whats and uncertainties. After my dad told me about what someone commented yesterday, i suddenly feel i've been in an illusion this whole time, and i'm wondering if i'm still in it.
Have i not done anything? Where do i stand? Am I who I want to be? not even close to it?
All my time in so many different ministries and i'm still seen as a kid who's spoilt? Is that what people really see me as? What have i been doing all this time? Have i been doing the wrong things? It almost seems as if all i've done up to now have no significance.

The thing that really annoys me is that this comment is apparently coming from church leaders. My dad says that i'm being treated like this because i'm his son and he's in the church leadership. You can literally see that none of the other church leader's children are so involved in ministry as i am, and that gives me no space to check whether i really am being picked on or not. I'd like to think that i'm not being picked on, that i'm being treated the same as every other youth around. But up till now, it all points in that direction. why me?

Now apparently, i'm going to be given more responsibilities because i said that it was hard for me to serve in TMC because doors were closed to me. But i dont want to take up these responsibilities just because my dad told the other church leaders i said that. If they were to give me more responsibilties now, it would be like chucking work to me and telling me "let's see you do better" and i don't wanna do that.

I'm really frustrated with myself with what i've been doing all this time and confused to what i should be doing now. I don't want to be seen as someone who's being spoilt in ministry.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Not Tight.
It's just not tight... too many extra things here and there that are not subtle to compliment the worship, they just make extra noise that collides. out of duty... i dunno... i sound judgemental now... i miss playing guit.
Fusion Practice tomorrow... as well as 3rd Place service. something to look forward to.
lights out.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

i'm bored... so sue me...

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Sunday, January 09, 2005

Magnets

been a hectic day. had Fusion practice this morning, then went for 3rd place service then went to Jae's house for his birthday party.

Fusion practice was good. I think the choir is getting tighter since we're getting to know one another better even though we come from so many different churches. I'm once again really happy that God let me do something like this on such a large scale again. Even though i may be playing only a small role in this, i still simply enjoy being with my other methodist brothers and sisters and doing all these things for His glory.

(Publicity: Fusion 2005 - 22 Jan2005 (sat), 7.30pm, Wesley Methodist Church/Wesley Hall. Don't miss it! and don't be late!)

Today at 3rd place service, Rev Norman talked, and he mentioned about from birth, we've had a conscience, like a magnet that tell us what is wrong or right. he never really elaborated on that matter. But it got me thinking. Our lives are like magnets, from our child-like innocence we knew what is wrong and what is right because God created us in His likeness. And through life, as we take each day step by step, our "magnets" tend to get dropped, thrown, tossed about and hurt. Which of course will mean that our "magnets" will get demagnetised.
A compass can't really tell North and South after it's been dropped over and over. The same way, we won't be able to tell between wrong and right in our lives. The only way for us to maintain the correct perspective/magnetism is to be in constant contact with the true magnet that never changes. That's God. He's the only thing that will help us make the right decisions in life no matter how bad the situation may be. True, it may really hurt in life at times, but He only wants us to become stronger magnets, that we too can touch others and bring them to Him. Have we kept in constant contact with God? or have we moved away from Him and decided to change direction and point our own way?
I can't say I've constantly been in touch with Him, but i want to, even though i can forget about Him at times.

Jae's party was sortof like Amsterdam. round one corner you see youths playing the guitar and singing worship songs. around the other corner you see pple smoking and drinking. ok lah Amsterdam more extreme.


I'm sorry that maybe i put you in a position where you felt uncomfortable and pressured to say something you probably didn't mean. hope you're ok.

Friday, January 07, 2005

why does this always happen?

i dont gettit really... if u can pls enlighten me. i can't do anything about it i suppose.
somehow or another, today really really sucked. argh... i shouldnt even be like this.
too tired to think anymore.

thinking too much

went for fusion choir practice on tuesday night and then 7/14 at 3rd place on saturday night. i think my ministry scope has gone past TMC, i have quite a lot of things i'm involved with outside of TMC. especially 3rd place, so much so that pastor Alvin asked me on wednesday night if my pastors are fine with me constantly being at 3rd place for service and small group and everything. I guess i would have to talk with pastor Kai Ming and Jacob whether i should be doing these things. I just really feel comfortable and at home with 3rd place now. Not that i'm negelecting TMC, i'm still involved with the ministries there as well. It's just that i feel that i'm not being used in several areas in where i wanna serve, the chances arent given and the support isnt there when u wanna start a new project. not to mention the amount of problems. sigh.

Fusion is gonna be great, really looking forward to it and the practices. sometimes i wish i could play with the band, but it's a wesley band, so i'll stay in my line. (the rhythm guitarist seems a lot more competent than me anyway). Mark D and Joshua are playing drums and bass respectively again.

I'm actually doing some work in school now in my internship... doing up the interface as we speak... flash is kinda fun once u start to venture into it... but i'm definately still very noobish with it.

on another issue, i think i'm thinking too much. looking at things pessimistically. i tend to do this often in these situations. i dunno... do u still like me?

Monday, January 03, 2005

2005

ok this is becoming a monthly update from me nowadays. it's the new year, well 1st working week of the new year... and it sucks as it usually does. i'm now in my com lab alone, cos my 2 groupmates decided to call in sick today. well i think 2004 was a great year by several things. like how i started going back to gym early last year (stopped again now)... then participated in the strongman competition. then church camp at port dixon. then CAM camp at 3rd place, then Young Methodist Leaders conference at sofitel in Sept. then holidays spent at 3rd place, then ONE camp and all. It's really been amazing. quite frankly, i dunno why i'm feeling so down. but then again, i think i know why as well.

yup, definately missing you.