Sunday, April 24, 2005

the answer after all this time

got to church at 8.25 today, expecting to be late for the prayer meeting that the YMMs were having. went in and only saw Eugenia sitting there alone. So we ended up praying together for awhile for YM and stuff. Then we still had some time left, so she talked to me and asked me how i've been feeling.. so apparently somehow or another, word got out that i was wondering why all my peers were selected as YMMs and i wasnt. Then Eugenia proceeds to say sorry for not thinking about my feelings etc, and that they didnt follow up with me after that. So i shouldn't feel discouraged and that they still want me to play a role. then somewhat after that, she mentioned briefly why i wasnt chosen, which is that the YMMs felt that i wasn't really into reaching out to the younger youth in YM and i was only focused on the worship team people like Jaesson, who were older.

So, in the end, it is true... they did see something wrong with me in comparison with everyone else. After all this time i finally have the brief answer to why i wasnt asked to be a YMM. And after all this time, i still don't understand. I'm gonna sound very insecure when i say this, but is that really how i come across to people? only intereseted in Worship Team and not interested in the younger youth? back then? Eugenia did say that the YMMs have seen a change in me over the year. That now i have shown more interest in nurturing the younger youth.

Come to think about it, maybe they have a point... i was seen as someone who didnt look to form bonds with the younger youths... so that is/was my weakness? that was the only reason why i wasnt chosen as YMM? that only? is there more? my peers dont have their own weaknesses? where do i stand right now?

back to square one i think... sheesh... but once again i reiterate... i am not desperate to be YMM, i just think it's a benchmark of how people see you.

been talking to Mark and Reginald during my internship at Truthmin. They too ask me how i feel for not being in leadership. Not to mention Pastor Alvin asked me whether i see my ministry more at Third Place or TMC...

The doors to so many of my ministries in TMC have closed. I was head for Projection Team for service, but now the church leadership would rather have the adults do it. The way i wasnt able to make it for Youth Camp last year, which led me to me going to Third Place and eventually ONE camp. The Worship Team being put on probation (again)... No vacancy at TMC for an intern during my holidays, and how Reginald offered me to intern at Truthmin at the exact same day i realised that. I'm perplexed.. for lack of a better word... Where on earth am i supposed to be?! Am i making excuses for myself? Am i being played about with? sigh

anyway, it's been 5 weeks of internship. and i just realised that i dont have only 3 weeks left. i actually have 4 weeks left. only found that out when i was looking at my phone calendar today. So a little more happy about that fact. Next weekend is Third Place church camp... gonna be fun and really looking forward to it.

gonna sign off with this song sung by David Crowder: Deliver Me

Deliver me out of the sadness
Deliver me from all the madness
Deliver me courage to guide me
Deliver me Your strength inside me

All of my life

I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like You
Now that You're here
Now that I've found You
I know that You're the One to pull me through

Deliver me loving and caring
Deliver me giving and sharing
Deliver me this cross that I'm bearing
Oh, deliver me

Jesus, Jesus how I trust Thee
How I've proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Deliver me
Come and pull me through
Come pull me through

Saturday, April 09, 2005

3rd week of internship

3 weeks already... it's really just zipped past. i wish it would move more slowly. i'm enjoying myself and learning a lot. Although it's been really really tiring, it's a really enriching experience. seeing how people in full-time interact with one another. how things are done etc...
only 5 weeks left... sigh... then back to TP for my last semester in poly. gosh i cant wait to finish poly and army... then really get myself involved in full-time ministry.

havent been running at all lately... hopefully my knee recovers by monday... i roller bladed 40km with 40 people from 3rd place. busted my knee 1/2 way thru the night.

ok brain kinda dead right now... leading worship tomorrow at 3rd place... better rest soon...

another thingy:

( ) snuck out of the house
(X) gotten lost in your city
( ) seen a shooting star
( ) had a serious surgery
(X) gone out in public in your pajamas
( ) kissed a stranger
( ) hugged astranger
(X) been in a fist fight
(X) Had alcohol
(X) laughed and had milk, coke or water etc come out of your nose
( ) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
(X) been in love
(X) been close to love
( ) been to a casino
( ) been skydiving
(X) broken a bone (finger bone counts?)
( ) skinny-dipped
(X) skipped school
( ) flashed someone
( ) saw a therapist
(X) played spin the bottle
( ) gotten stitches
(X) drank a whole gallon of water in one hour
(X) bitten someone
( ) been to Disneyland
( ) gotten the chicken pox
( ) kissed a member of the same sex
( ) crashed into a friend's car
( ) been to Japan
(X) ridden in a taxi
(X) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back.
( ) stolen something from your job
( ) gone on a blind date
(X) lied to a friend
( ) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated mardi-gras
(X) been to Europe
( ) slept with a co-worker
( ) been married
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children
( ) seen someone die
( ) had a close friend die
( ) been to Africa
( ) Driven over 400 miles in one day
( ) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(X) Been on a plane
( ) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) Thrown up in a bar
( ) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(X) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been snowboarding
(X) Met someone in person from the internet
( ) lost a child
(X) gone to college / poly
( ) graduated college / poly
( ) done hard drugs
( ) tried killing yourself
( ) fired a gun
( ) purposely hurt yourself
( ) taken painkillers
( ) miss someone right now

very few Xs...

ok last thing before i kun...

a guitar that i saw the other day... costs 1500... need to save up to buy it... it sounds really good...