Sunday, October 29, 2006


The Puddles
I saw an old man today. He was rather dirty. Torn clothes. Bag full of crumpled newspapers. City Hall. In front of Gramaphone. he took off his slippers, and submerged both his feet in a puddle on the road and attempted to wash them by rubbing the right over the left, then left over right. Queer sight. But kinda reflects how we all are sometime. Especially me... when we get so caked in life's dark moments and difficulties, we attempt to find a way to get out of the crap we're in. But amidst that, we wash ourselves in the wrong things. many times have i found myself turning away from my Quiet Time, turning away from God and indulging in the things that seem to clean away my difficulties and anxiety but never really help.

I just wanna breathe. I've been washing my feet in puddles too long... i think the puddle's drowning me.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Pain...

yes, another emo rant... monday is nearly here again. i havent even reached it and i'm already stressed out as to what i'm gonna do tomorrow. heck of a lot of stress at work everyday. Edwin's gonna start clearing leave in like 16 working days or something like that. leaving me to my own demise in Pasir Ris camp. everyone hates edwin. all the sergeants and the warrant officers. they just dont like him... in fact they want to see him SUFFER. how it came down to that, i'm not exactly sure. but i really hope i dont end up like him. i dont wanna get labeled as screwed up. but from the looks of it, it seems inevitable. i cannot possibly please everyone. eventually i'll screw a task up and then pple will start to condemn me. sigh. that's the impression i get so far. hoping that i can take thursday and friday off this week. i just need a break. just sit back, relax and breathe for awhile. but even that, i'm not sure of.

friday night was spent playing dota till 1am at AMK with aaron damein edwin and gary. i rollerbladed home after. i dont know why i waste my time out late at night like that. doesnt serve much purpose at all. doesnt even destress. slept at 3am and woke up at 1pm on sat. i really zonked out thanks to all work i guess. went for service, then to united square for ben&jerrys, followed by Walas with Char and Goldie. that was fairly fun and it's always good to hear good live music from the unXpected... but we spent quite a bit on booze and the cab ride home. slept at 3am again. woke up at 6am cos my dad was stirring about outside... went back to sleep till 9am then woke up. intended to go to trinity for 1115 service, but was too lazy in the end. nobody free in the afternoon on sunday as usual. so rotted at home the whole day. crummy sunday... feeling damn pathetic and lonely at the same time. ok lah... emo in general. cant help it. just comes... like what most of my friends say, i need to get to know more pple. but i dont see how i can do that. maybe this is why i waste my time doing stupid stuff like playing dota till 1am on fri night. it's cos i dont have a life. my existence really sucks.

i know i know... where's God in all of this? Havent been too close to Him off late and it's hard to focus on Him when everything's piled on you everyday of the week. Also stuff like when your prayers dont receive the answer you were hoping for... and why all this shit has to happen to me. why does life have to suck so much while i'm in army. no doubt it is hard in the army. but i've got it worse than most other pple i know. why me?! maybe it's His way of making me rely on Him, but even that i don't know.. Wynne was saying that i should just take it and at the end of all this, i'll be really good at managing my time and admin cos of all this stress in army. it's nice to look at it that way.. but hard to remind myself of that all the time. i'm stuck in a rut, and there's nothing i or anyone else can do to get out of this. it's like my inevitable fate is to be picked on and made to suffer under all the officers and warrant officers, no matter how much i try my best. i feel lost and lonely. help.