Monday, August 27, 2007

Completed... My Giants Must Fall...

I actually managed to complete the 1/2 marathon. at the last 50 metres, both my thighs just cramped up and refused to move anymore. so i had to hobble 30 metres before i regained any feeling in them to cross the finishing line.

But i did it in terrible timing. 2hrs 50 mins. Really bad. was supposed to do it under 2hrs 45 mins. considering that i do 10km in about 1 hr, and 5km in about 25 mins, i should've been able to. but guess i was very wrong about that presumption. Just glad that i actually made it this far. my body this morning is on strike as usual. at least they gave us all 1/2 day off for today. gotta head back to camp in about 2 hrs time. sigh.

Over the weekend, God's clearly been telling me 1 thing: The giants in my life will fall before Him, if i just trust and do my best. Watched "Facing the Giants" on sat at church, then when i walked into YM service yesterday, Adriel was preaching on how our Giants in our lives can and must fall. We just gotta trust Him and let Him do His stuff.

Army's one very major giant in my life right now. I dread it every single day. It's a pain to approach work everyday. to face the days with exhaustion and disgust with the way things are being done etc... This giant's really got me down. But somehow, i just gotta release it to Him and just try my best in all that i do. Leaving the results up to Him. Gonna try to do that.

Friday, August 24, 2007

No More

Army's really taking its toll. it's the peak period and unlike last year, there aren't 2 guys doing my job (last year would be my upperstudy and me). Now it's just me. It's getting to be more than i can bear really. I'm mentally exhausted every single day. just fighting fire, trying to fix the system under my superiors' commands. But how much is enough? there's only so much i can take.

Last night i stood at the railing of the 3rd floor where my bunk is and just stood there talking to God, asking Him how much is enough? How much more am i supposed to bear? Reminded myself that when i feel like i'm walking alone, the footsteps that i see in the sand aren't my own, but are His. But it's kinda hard to see how that works right now.

I looked at the floor below, and thought what it'd be like to take my own life. And it's a thought that hasn't just only occurred that once last night. It's happened before. Last year this period in particular. If not for what I believe in, I'd probably have done it by now. If not for friends and family and for God. But of course jumping from 3 floors up would be pretty stupid. I'd end up with a broken back instead.

Also, most people would say "You've got 3 months left! why'd you wanna do something stupid like that now? just suck it up". But like a friend said, as ORD comes closer, your tolerance for crap in camp drops even more.

Funny how i was talking to someone online the other day who was complaining about NSF life as well and i told him to look for the light at the end of the tunnel. I had the answer, and i knew what to say and he said it made sense and what i said helped... Now this guy still has over a year left to serve. His tunnel's a lot longer than mine. I know the answer, but i don't know why i don't believe in it when it comes down to the real matter.

Army has succeeded in tearing down a lot of things in my mental state. I used to think that i was pretty good at leading people, from camps and all. I used to think that i was quite competent in planning and administrating stuff... Now i seriously have my doubts. My subordinates have no respect whatsoever for me. Everything that i do, no matter how much never seems to be enough for my superiors. I just don't get it anymore. Am i really that incompetent?

No more, i can't take it any longer. Gonna talk to my CO on monday. Just need to find some confidence, and the right moment to do it.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Smell the Colour 9

went to watch fireworks last night with Lydia. was pretty awesome i must admit, though i never really had a thing for fireworks. It was quite breath-taking. And it's quite amazing that a 15 minute showcase of explosives can gather so many people in one place. the whole esplanade was packed. we barely found any space at the park behind the bridge. the view was fairly good though. Took some pictures and vids with my new handphone which i bought yesterday as well.

lazy to post the vids right now. maybe another time.

woke up this morning at 7.45am when i was supposed to be at Wesley by 7.30am for service where they were going to announce my transfer of membership. I couldn't believe my alarm didn't sound and that i had overslept. 1st thing in my mind was "OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT".
Unfortunately, i can't reverse time, so i had to make a few smses and get myself down for the 9.30 service instead, hence missing YM. I felt so bad... and i still feel bad right now. But like i said, i can't reverse time. If i could, there'd be plenty that i'd change. Who wouldn't?

9.30 pnp service was rather different. Worship wasn't quite what i was used to. but it was very interesting. Traditional Hymn singing is fairly quite standard through all the Meth churches. However, for contemporary services, it varies a lot. You have the really "United Live-Hillsong" kind of worship at YM, then more of the "Passion/ Paul Baloche" kind of worship at 3rd place, then there's contemp worship at Trinity (which consists mostly of songs from the 1980s/1990s), then worship at Wesley's pnp is very different from that as well. I've never heard of a third of their songs that they sang, and the worship leader though not very vocally inclined was really enthusiastic and was excellent in leading the congregation.

During worship, i noticed how the congregation worshipped with this very big sense of hope. That God would take care of all their problems no matter how big. The worship leader made it very clear that God was much bigger than all our problems and the evil one. And everyone there sang it like they meant it and that it was very evident in their lives.

Now whether that is true or not, i do not know. but it was refreshing to see such hope in God's people expressed in that way. I can't remember the last time i felt that kind of victory in my life. When problems come my way, i know God'll take care of it but i know i'm in for a tough time. I realised that it's come to a point where when i have an issue i can't handle, i ask my friends to pray for me and i don't really really pray for myself. Cos i've come to a point where i feel like God won't give me the answer i'm looking for. I'll just end up getting disappointed in the end somehow, so it's prob better for me not to put my expectations so high. Time after time, praying for things in my life, He hasn't answered it in the way that i'd like it to be answered.

Like how i prayed not to go to Thailand last year, but i still went, and would still have to go this year. How i prayed that the missing Ranger Tabs would be found so that i wouldn't have to pay for them- the current verdict is that i would pay for 1/2 of the cost.
Like a Chris Rice song, sometimes trying to hear from Him/ get an answer from Him is like smelling the colour 9. You can't smell a colour, and 9 is not a colour.

I want to be able to know that kind of hope... that kind of assurance again. These 2 years in army has just been trial after trial and i realise that He's definitely used it to build me into a stronger person, by tearing me down over and over again.
I just remembered 5 years ago when i was on retreat with my Disciple 1 group. Jacob prophesied that i'd be a pillar to those around me. Someone people can depend on, to be there all the time. I guess that's why He's putting me through all this right now. But right now i feel like i can't even stand up on my own, let alone support those around me.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Here we Go~o~o~oOo... Commando~o~O~o~OoO...

Happy Birthday to me. I'm 22 years old. Yet i'm not feeling all so jolly and happy once again this year. Remember all the sh*t that happened around this time last year? Yeap, it's gonna happen again this year. Well at least i'm not having my birthday in Thailand and i'm not gonna miss YMLC again this year. That much i'm grateful for. But Ranger Course is starting again. Tomorrow to be precise.

This has a few implications for me right now. First of all being that i'm not gonna be seeing home for the whole week until the weekend. Stay in, in other words. However, this was self-inflicted because i agreed with the storemen under me that this is the price i'd pay for me to stay out on the weekend. (you see the rest of them are taking turn to do duty day by day, as in 1 day in camp, 1 day off, including weekends.) They feel that it's not fair to me, but it's not gonna work any other way. my position is too important for me to go missing during the weekdays. Don't know where all this is gonna go. All i wish is that i still will have my weekends and be able to see my friends and loved ones.

Also, Thailand once again. Gah. Back to the silly camp that looks like it's a Prisoner of War holding pen. same old stupid water trough for bathing. same old sponge bed to sleep. sigh. I'm getting depressed just thinking about that stupid place again. Why? Why must my 21st and 22nd Birthdays be so depressing somehow. Damn Army!

Then again, i guess i shouldn't really complain. I've been blessed in many ways as well. Wonderful friends who have always been there for me. My parents surprised me yesterday with a spanking new 22 inch Flatron Monitor for my Comp. Yet i'm not really all that happy cos of my predicament in the army.