Project 6 Wings

2007-12-07T07:51:00.000+08:00

Life! There you are!!

Finally after all that ordeal yesterday, after some shouting... after all that evil stares... it's finally over... OVER! ORD OH!!!! PINK IC LOH!!! WAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! may have been 5 days too late, but still, it feels darn good... oh so damn good...

I'm completely hysterical right now. so ecstatic. so excited.... it's like life has begun all over again!

2007-12-06T08:49:00.000+08:00

The time has come...

please let this be the last time i have to enter that disgusting place. the last time i have to see the people and work i hate. the last time i have to think about stuff that is not my job that i hate so much.

yet, i'm so afraid right now. afraid things won't go through still. afraid they'll yell at me again for ridiculous things. God be my strength. Be my Pillar and Shield. That all this will end peacefully.

2007-11-18T22:33:00.000+08:00

Goodbye Hope Centre, i'll miss you dearly...

we had our final service at Hope Centre cafe yesterday. Quite a few old faces came by. Had an extended service. Talked about how the church isn't the building, but it's the people that make up the church.

I'm really really sad right now, knowing that we wont be at the cafe anymore. That this morning might be the last time i wake up in the cafe. the last time i leave that place while it's still ours. Was telling everyone that i cant remember one single time i had a bad moment at that place. The memories i have there are only good ones. There may have been happy and sad moments there, but they were all good moments in the essence of it. Working there, worshiping there, hanging out... sleeping there... goofing off... That place really in some sense became home away from home, which is what Third Place is supposed to be.

Now we don't have that place anymore... and there isn't quite anything else like it anywhere else. At least i'm not losing the people that i hold dear. it's just the building i tell myself. but there are still emotional strings attached to it, and it hurts to have those strings cut. In the past i actually imagined myself growing old in that place. I kid you not.

I know, that it's not the people itself that i'm losing... just that location. I know the answer, and we've told it to the kids as well... that at least we still have one another. But when it comes down to it, we still hurt from having something that's been so much a part of us, taken away.

The thing that really takes the cake is that we hear that Trinity Christian Centre bought over the whole building to do the same thing that we are doing. I kinda likened it to being a kid with your favourite toy, and another kid comes along and takes away that toy because his mom has the money to do so. And now that we're moving to the YWCA across the road from Hope Centre, we'll get to see that kid play with that toy everyday. i don't know how i'm gonna walk past it everyday and see other people using that stage, using the kitchen... having biblestudy where i used to have biblestudy, worship where i used to worship.
I'll say this... that i know it's probably not TCC's fault that this is happening. Perhaps they don't know the whole picture. Which church in their right mind would buy over another church's property?
But even though these people are brothers and sisters in Christ as well, it still hurts to see them use what we once called home.

ok, i'm gonna stop blogging now, i'm already crying as it is.

2007-11-11T23:34:00.000+08:00

Coffee Vampires, Falling bolsters...

went for YM 9.30 service then headed out with CMJ people to have breakfast at Dome.
Gareth's food was late and he needed to zhao back to sing for the 2nd service. so we da-baoed his food and i brought it back to YWCA for him.

On the way back (while still holding the Dome paperbag) jbarks comes from behind and asks if there was any coffee in there. haha. last week he couldnt even eat lunch at fish and co. cos he hadnt had his coffee yet.

and now, this conversation just happened over msn between jbarks and me...

-Ian- Why? says:
oh yeah... and eric and i realised that at sports sch u will be zombie
-Ian- Why? says:
there's no coffee there
-Ian- Why? says:
well, no real coffee that is
jbarks says:
omg
jbarks says:
need driver
jbarks says:
duty driver
jbarks says:
pls
-Ian- Why? says:
rofl
jbarks says:
plsplspls

Lol... i just found that really amusing. On weekdays however, Jbarks is an opstronics I/C in camp and he hides in the dark confines of his air-con store and hibernates till lunch or till someone needs to return/loan something. Hence, because his exposure to sunlight is minimal, he doesn't really need the coffee.

Wesley YM camp is being held from 13-16 Dec at sports sch btw...

Anyway, headed back to Fish and Co. again. (consecutively in two weeks!) and had lunch there with the other CMJ peeps. Had a surprise party for Chin Hui, so we bought a bolster and coloured/drew/designed/doodled/drew pink IC on it with markers. then waited for her to come and dropped it on her from the 2nd floor. too bad the majority of us had to hide in the toilet while all this happened so we never really saw the look on her face when it happened.
And as we were all waiting for her, Gareth concluded that she'd take quite some time to turn up and decided to bomb toilet bowl island at that very point in time. When she did turn up earlier than he expected, i went in and told him. To which he said "oh shit" how apt. haha.

Was quite fun hanging out with the gang for lunch. and i ate too much once again. I'm really growing fat... it's scary. MUST RUN!

Back to work tomorrow once again. 3 weeks left now. hopefully the last week will be spent clearing leave and off rather than coming back to work. crosses fingers. and of course, definitely hope not to extend. (choi choi)

2007-10-24T20:17:00.000+08:00

PISSED
words cant describe how angry/ cheesed off/ frustrated i am right now. I don't think i can recall another time i have been this angry. i'm likely to kill something right now just to vent.

2007-10-19T23:55:00.000+08:00

Exodus @ ACS (I)

Ok, i know i havent blogged in ages. Especially even after coming back from Thailand. But i'm not quite ready to throw in the towel for blogging yet. There are times in my life where i feel there's something really important to document. Either that or i am just in the mood for typing and spazing on this small small portion of the WWW.

Gotta go back to camp in abt 2 and 1/2 hrs time to do my extra guard duty. Long story. perhaps another time, but i gonna keep this short.

Went down to ACS Independent today for the Exodus concert, to help Truthmin in whatever way i could. Ended up singing and playing guit for a few songs without much practice once again. One of the songs "God-shaped hole" had an acoustic intro to it, and i could definitely play it. However, Reg had practiced quite a bit for that song on acoustic and everyone decided that he will still play it in the end. He did play in the end, and although it wasn't perfect, i believe it stood for something among us. That perfection ain't as important as honouring another person's feelings and hard work at the end of the day. I hope that small act carried out to the congregation. Sadly, i could see in that in the band that played before us, they felt that every small detail of their music must be a specific style and arrangement according to their liking. It became an obsession to them.

Anyway, this was so important to me because i remember back when i was starting to learn how to play guit, i practiced really hard for one worship session, only to be replaced by another guitarist at the last moment by the band leader because he could pull it off better than i could. the same scenario happened 2 years later with the exact same guitarist, just that this time the roles were reversed. I was supposed to replace the other guitarist instead, but i turned it down because i remembered how terrible it made me feel.

It really warmed my heart standing back and watching Reg play with the rest of the band, even though i was very tempted to just play instead of him. The act of it stood for something more than just worship by music, it was worship by actions and deeds.

ok, gotta go get my 2 and 1/2 hours of sleep in now.

2007-09-14T09:22:00.000+08:00

Hope, Trust, Faith.

These 3 words, how much they mean to me at this point in time...

In about 4 hours time i'll be at Changi airport, getting ready to fly to Thailand once more. Another whole month in that place. sigh. it's not so much about the work i have to do there... it's more about the people i'm with there and the people i'm leaving behind here.

Even on my off day yesterday, they still wanted me to go back to camp to do work. I couldn't take it... my friends are more important and i won't get to see them for a whole month very soon. Diverted all my calls to mom, who gave them a piece of her mind. I just needed to breathe. needed time away. 1 month of non-stop work is bad enough as it is. sometimes, i think the whole problem with the army and its regulars is the fact that they're so caught up with trying to defend the nation and their training that they forget who the nation is. Their friends, their families. If it really meant that much to them to defend the country, then they'd treasure their time with family more.

YMLC was great... a lot of people tell me that it's hard to get anything out of it because they just cover the same things in a 3 year cycle. But to me, I really treasure the whole fact that all the leaders from the methodist churches can rally together and encourage one another. To be frank, i didn't really learn much from the talks/workshops during the conference. But God touched my heart during the 2nd day 6am prayer meeting and He gave me wonderful group mates who were so encouraging in everything they said.

YMLC 2007 Mentor Group 14:

You guys are a wonderful bunch of people whom i'll never forget. Really thank God for giving me the chance to know you all.

And to all my other friends as well... here's the shout-outs:

Mel and Mike: thanks for always looking out for me in one way or another. Your friendships are something i would give the world in exchange for.

Wynne: you as well, thanks for being there. though we may always suan you... there's a reason why you're chairman for 3rd place comm...

Mark D: my dear bro, complaining about army with me even after you've ORDed. your life is unique in its own way... and God's gonna use it to touch thousands around. I know He's already used it to touch mine.

Lydia: thanks for always hearing me complain about something. always ready to lend a listening ear and encouraging me. yeah the end is coming soon... i'll be hanging on to that. that hope at the end of the tunnel.

Alvin, Francis, Reg, Bel, Mark M: God has really used you all to touch my life... in my approach to ministry and this desire to serve full-time. Wouldn't know what my life would be like without you guys in my life.

Not looking forward to leaving... i nearly didnt sleep last night cos i didnt want to see today come. sigh. i'll see you all in month, i'll be much happier then.

2007-09-02T23:20:00.000+08:00

Thailand looms...

gonna be flying off to that wretched place once again on the 14th of Sept, which is in less than 2 weeks time. Will be back on the 13th of Oct. SIGH... 1 whole month there again. not looking forward to it. but rest assured, once i touch down back in Singapore, i'll be so happy, knowing that ORD is 1 and 1/2 months away. But then is then.

Anyway, took half day leave on friday for Live Worship Workshop again. Met Reg Bel and Mark M for lunch, then Mark D came down shortly after. It's always fun with these guys... you laugh a whole lot... mostly at Reg's antics, and everyone else plays a part in that too just to make it even funnier. I never regret volunteering with them. Life would be very very different had i not come to know them.

Saturday, however, was not so fun... original plan was that another sergeant was supposed to do my guard commander duty for me during the day and i would only need to go back at night, hence allowing me to go to chen su lan with the rest of the third place peeps. but this idiot sergeant, for a 2nd time, played me out. so i ended up spending 24 hours in the stupid guard room. It's one of the most boring experiences i've ever gone through and i don't intend to repeat it again ever.

guard duty ended this morning at 8am. went home, changed and cabbed down to Wesley for YM, had a short biblestudy with CMJ, then headed for lunch at park mall, wandered around PS for awhile, then went back to serangoon gardens video ez.

I realise that everytime i decide to go to video ez, i have a few movies in mind that i wanna watch, but when i get there, they dont have it, and i end up spending about 20-30 mins looking up and down the shelves for titles that i wanna watch.
Anyways, watched Pitch Black and Hellboy, then Nat came over and we watched TMNT. so grand total of 3 movies in less than 1/2 a day. At least my sunday wasn't a complete waste, perhaps made up a bit for lost time on saturday. Weekends are very very very precious to me now, esp when there's no such thing in Thailand.

YMLC on friday. Quite excited about it. Glad to be able to go this year again finally. After like a 2/3 year hiatus. Time to sleep now. goodnite folks, and sms me while i'm in camp if you can... it helps really.

2007-08-27T08:33:00.000+08:00

Completed... My Giants Must Fall...

I actually managed to complete the 1/2 marathon. at the last 50 metres, both my thighs just cramped up and refused to move anymore. so i had to hobble 30 metres before i regained any feeling in them to cross the finishing line.

But i did it in terrible timing. 2hrs 50 mins. Really bad. was supposed to do it under 2hrs 45 mins. considering that i do 10km in about 1 hr, and 5km in about 25 mins, i should've been able to. but guess i was very wrong about that presumption. Just glad that i actually made it this far. my body this morning is on strike as usual. at least they gave us all 1/2 day off for today. gotta head back to camp in about 2 hrs time. sigh.

Over the weekend, God's clearly been telling me 1 thing: The giants in my life will fall before Him, if i just trust and do my best. Watched "Facing the Giants" on sat at church, then when i walked into YM service yesterday, Adriel was preaching on how our Giants in our lives can and must fall. We just gotta trust Him and let Him do His stuff.

Army's one very major giant in my life right now. I dread it every single day. It's a pain to approach work everyday. to face the days with exhaustion and disgust with the way things are being done etc... This giant's really got me down. But somehow, i just gotta release it to Him and just try my best in all that i do. Leaving the results up to Him. Gonna try to do that.

2007-08-24T22:24:00.000+08:00

No More

Army's really taking its toll. it's the peak period and unlike last year, there aren't 2 guys doing my job (last year would be my upperstudy and me). Now it's just me. It's getting to be more than i can bear really. I'm mentally exhausted every single day. just fighting fire, trying to fix the system under my superiors' commands. But how much is enough? there's only so much i can take.

Last night i stood at the railing of the 3rd floor where my bunk is and just stood there talking to God, asking Him how much is enough? How much more am i supposed to bear? Reminded myself that when i feel like i'm walking alone, the footsteps that i see in the sand aren't my own, but are His. But it's kinda hard to see how that works right now.

I looked at the floor below, and thought what it'd be like to take my own life. And it's a thought that hasn't just only occurred that once last night. It's happened before. Last year this period in particular. If not for what I believe in, I'd probably have done it by now. If not for friends and family and for God. But of course jumping from 3 floors up would be pretty stupid. I'd end up with a broken back instead.

Also, most people would say "You've got 3 months left! why'd you wanna do something stupid like that now? just suck it up". But like a friend said, as ORD comes closer, your tolerance for crap in camp drops even more.

Funny how i was talking to someone online the other day who was complaining about NSF life as well and i told him to look for the light at the end of the tunnel. I had the answer, and i knew what to say and he said it made sense and what i said helped... Now this guy still has over a year left to serve. His tunnel's a lot longer than mine. I know the answer, but i don't know why i don't believe in it when it comes down to the real matter.

Army has succeeded in tearing down a lot of things in my mental state. I used to think that i was pretty good at leading people, from camps and all. I used to think that i was quite competent in planning and administrating stuff... Now i seriously have my doubts. My subordinates have no respect whatsoever for me. Everything that i do, no matter how much never seems to be enough for my superiors. I just don't get it anymore. Am i really that incompetent?

No more, i can't take it any longer. Gonna talk to my CO on monday. Just need to find some confidence, and the right moment to do it.

2007-08-19T14:57:00.000+08:00

Smell the Colour 9

went to watch fireworks last night with Lydia. was pretty awesome i must admit, though i never really had a thing for fireworks. It was quite breath-taking. And it's quite amazing that a 15 minute showcase of explosives can gather so many people in one place. the whole esplanade was packed. we barely found any space at the park behind the bridge. the view was fairly good though. Took some pictures and vids with my new handphone which i bought yesterday as well.

lazy to post the vids right now. maybe another time.

woke up this morning at 7.45am when i was supposed to be at Wesley by 7.30am for service where they were going to announce my transfer of membership. I couldn't believe my alarm didn't sound and that i had overslept. 1st thing in my mind was "OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT".
Unfortunately, i can't reverse time, so i had to make a few smses and get myself down for the 9.30 service instead, hence missing YM. I felt so bad... and i still feel bad right now. But like i said, i can't reverse time. If i could, there'd be plenty that i'd change. Who wouldn't?

9.30 pnp service was rather different. Worship wasn't quite what i was used to. but it was very interesting. Traditional Hymn singing is fairly quite standard through all the Meth churches. However, for contemporary services, it varies a lot. You have the really "United Live-Hillsong" kind of worship at YM, then more of the "Passion/ Paul Baloche" kind of worship at 3rd place, then there's contemp worship at Trinity (which consists mostly of songs from the 1980s/1990s), then worship at Wesley's pnp is very different from that as well. I've never heard of a third of their songs that they sang, and the worship leader though not very vocally inclined was really enthusiastic and was excellent in leading the congregation.

During worship, i noticed how the congregation worshipped with this very big sense of hope. That God would take care of all their problems no matter how big. The worship leader made it very clear that God was much bigger than all our problems and the evil one. And everyone there sang it like they meant it and that it was very evident in their lives.

Now whether that is true or not, i do not know. but it was refreshing to see such hope in God's people expressed in that way. I can't remember the last time i felt that kind of victory in my life. When problems come my way, i know God'll take care of it but i know i'm in for a tough time. I realised that it's come to a point where when i have an issue i can't handle, i ask my friends to pray for me and i don't really really pray for myself. Cos i've come to a point where i feel like God won't give me the answer i'm looking for. I'll just end up getting disappointed in the end somehow, so it's prob better for me not to put my expectations so high. Time after time, praying for things in my life, He hasn't answered it in the way that i'd like it to be answered.

Like how i prayed not to go to Thailand last year, but i still went, and would still have to go this year. How i prayed that the missing Ranger Tabs would be found so that i wouldn't have to pay for them- the current verdict is that i would pay for 1/2 of the cost.
Like a Chris Rice song, sometimes trying to hear from Him/ get an answer from Him is like smelling the colour 9. You can't smell a colour, and 9 is not a colour.

I want to be able to know that kind of hope... that kind of assurance again. These 2 years in army has just been trial after trial and i realise that He's definitely used it to build me into a stronger person, by tearing me down over and over again.
I just remembered 5 years ago when i was on retreat with my Disciple 1 group. Jacob prophesied that i'd be a pillar to those around me. Someone people can depend on, to be there all the time. I guess that's why He's putting me through all this right now. But right now i feel like i can't even stand up on my own, let alone support those around me.

2007-08-12T16:54:00.000+08:00

Here we Go~o~o~oOo... Commando~o~O~o~OoO...

Happy Birthday to me. I'm 22 years old. Yet i'm not feeling all so jolly and happy once again this year. Remember all the sh*t that happened around this time last year? Yeap, it's gonna happen again this year. Well at least i'm not having my birthday in Thailand and i'm not gonna miss YMLC again this year. That much i'm grateful for. But Ranger Course is starting again. Tomorrow to be precise.

This has a few implications for me right now. First of all being that i'm not gonna be seeing home for the whole week until the weekend. Stay in, in other words. However, this was self-inflicted because i agreed with the storemen under me that this is the price i'd pay for me to stay out on the weekend. (you see the rest of them are taking turn to do duty day by day, as in 1 day in camp, 1 day off, including weekends.) They feel that it's not fair to me, but it's not gonna work any other way. my position is too important for me to go missing during the weekdays. Don't know where all this is gonna go. All i wish is that i still will have my weekends and be able to see my friends and loved ones.

Also, Thailand once again. Gah. Back to the silly camp that looks like it's a Prisoner of War holding pen. same old stupid water trough for bathing. same old sponge bed to sleep. sigh. I'm getting depressed just thinking about that stupid place again. Why? Why must my 21st and 22nd Birthdays be so depressing somehow. Damn Army!

Then again, i guess i shouldn't really complain. I've been blessed in many ways as well. Wonderful friends who have always been there for me. My parents surprised me yesterday with a spanking new 22 inch Flatron Monitor for my Comp. Yet i'm not really all that happy cos of my predicament in the army.

2007-07-31T00:03:00.000+08:00

O_O I rarely have dreams...

... but why is it whenever i do, you seem to be in there 90% of the time? why? why?
It's just so strange especially after all this time...

I'm not really the kind to believe in "omens" or stuff like that... so i guess this is where psychologists come into the picture.

2007-07-29T17:52:00.000+08:00

Much Drools

So realising that the Crowdster Plus is kinda difficult for me to get in terms of cash, as well as proximity, i decided to look at alternative hybrid guits...

and i've spotted 2 that are really drool-worthy as well... both costing slightly under 4k SGD... both available in Singapore!
Taylor T5

Chet Atkins SST

Oh, and yes, some people have kindly highlighted to me that exchange rate for AUD is not 1.7... it's 1.3... so yes, the crowdster does not cost more than 10k... but still it's about 8k+ SGD.

2007-07-24T21:34:00.000+08:00

Money Making Flora Indeed

2 posts ago, i was drooling over the Crowdster Plus, and i still am drooling over it. So i figured i'd email the closest vendor to Singapore, which is Australia, Canberra... This shop called "proaudio".

I asked if they had stock and how much it would cost. This is their reply:

Hi Ian,

Thanks for the email!

I don't have a Crowdster in stock at the moment but have one on order, due to hit here in the new 6-8 weeks or so.

This unit has been on order for approx 10 months and has had a bit of interest but so far it has not sold.

I have attached a word document with the specs for the guitar as it is ordered.

We expect this unit to cost approx $6500 or so AUD retail and we can ship to Singapore if you wanted the unit.

If you are interested I can get you a quote delivered to your door when the time gets a bit closer to arrival.

Also note that we can order in any guitar that you wish if you want to spec one up, just be aware that the time frame is approx 12-14 months from ordering to delivery here in Australia!

Please email me if you have any further questions!

Regards,

Lawrence

Ok, so last i checked, it's approximately 1.7SGD to 1 Aussie dollar. this translates to the guitar costing $11,050... jaw drop.
Anyone want to donate to the "help Ian get his dream guitar fund"? arg.

2007-07-22T22:21:00.000+08:00

Pant pant pant... collapse

this weekend's been really really physically demanding... so tired.
friday 12km run, saturday captains ball with 3rd place peeps, sunday mizuno 10km wave run, followed by touch rugby in the noon, then tomorrow 8km PT run in camp. argh. i think my body's gonna go on strike soon.

Felt that i performed fairly well for the wave run though. came in with pretty good timing (or so i think). But must say that the whole thing wasnt exactly planned very well. even Daniel Ong (the emcee for the event) was shaking his head over the organiser's indecisiveness over what to do for the bag storage. not to mention, at the 4.5km mark, some joker was telling us 10km runners to run the 5km route. Caused a heck of a lot of confusion. and the crazy queue at the end for the goodie bags. i think the queue would've prob lasted about 2 hours. ridiculous. fortunately i managed to find a familiar face in the front of the row and got him to take goodie bags for me too.

my brain's zoning out now. goodnight...

2007-07-20T23:00:00.000+08:00

I'm in love...
with this hot thang...

Anderson Guitars: The Crowdster Plus.
the sound is phenomenal for live playing. Not to mention it has an acoustic as well as electric pickup. Meaning that you can play it as either an acoustic or electric... Also, it's impervious to feedback because of it's sealed hollow body.
It is as they say, "the supreme live-music acoustic guitar"...
drools.

only 2 problems:
1. apparently the closest distributor for Anderson guitars, and ultimately, the Crowdster Plus is either in Taiwan or Australia!!! ARGH. this is to say that nobody brings this babe into Singapore. (do let me know if you do know anyone that brings this in!)

2. it costs a whopping $3750. ow ow ow... so even if i find her in Singapore, i'm still gonna need to find a way to magically turn the plants in my house into money making flora. sob...

2007-07-18T00:13:00.000+08:00

GASP Air!!!

there's this new guy amongst 3 others that has been attached to my sub-unit as a storeman for Ranger Course. In preparation for it, they have been placed under me to start the store preparations for the biggest course in the SAF. This new guy (to whom i would from now onwards refer to as Mr. BO) has, as the name suggests, seriously very very bad body odour.

I walked into the office today and nearly collapsed from the smell. I don't know how all the rest put up with it... but it was really ridiculous. I had a talk with my sergeant major and he realised the problem as well and suggested that we make him bathe 3 times a day. Once at every meal. So eventually, i got Mr. BO to step outside the office and had a serious (though breathless) talk with him and his problem. He's aware that he has it and he credits it to the fact that he sweats a lot. But everyone sweats a lot too (it's Singapore for goodness sakes, little red dot near the EQUATOR!) and no one smells a tenth as bad as he does! He doesnt even smell like sweat. It's indescribable what he really smells like.

Anyways, i had to be the bad guy and tell him that he needed to do something about it. Go to a doctor and ask for advice... Bathe 3 times a day... and use soap when he bathes... (goodness i'm worried that i might actually need to take sandpaper and scrub him down with acid myself)... and that he was not allowed in the office until he got his problem sorted out... (or i'll have to irrigate my whole breathing system, lungs and all, everyday). I can't remember the last time i stepped out of the office and really really appreciated the air around me.

Yes, ok some of you may think i'm being a real mean arsehole to this guy and the way he smells. But for goodness sakes, it's for his own good... who on earth would employ him in future when he leaves the army?? Pepe Lepeu? Last i checked, he wasnt a real person.

Hence my grouse right now... everyone in the office knows how bad he smells and have complained about it... but they dont say anything to him about it, and then when i play mr badguy and confront him, they say that i was damn mean to him. Yeah sure, keeping quiet and holding your breath in the office the whole day will magically sprout daisies and roses in the office and all will smell better. (if you ask me, the roses and daisies would wilt 1st)

Anyway, was thinking that perhaps 2 years ago, i wouldnt have done what i just did. I'd be like the rest and be "nice" to his feelings. worse come to worse, i'd move and work elsewhere. Looks like i've changed somewhat over time. I don't give so much of a rat's ass anymore in some sense... I'd like to say this makes me a stronger person somewhat... but it does come with its cons too i think.

Gosu Guitar Playing! Enjoy...

2007-07-15T23:33:00.000+08:00

98 days left!!

98 working days left in the army. it's finally hit double digit! The past week's been tiring... practically spent the whole week in camp and stayed in a whole lot... simply cos my parents aren't around and will be coming back from Hong Kong tomorrow...

Lead service last week at 3rd place. it was an interesting experience. wasn't really entirely nerve wrecking... (doing a sermon in front of an entire international school back in 2005 was probably worse) Overall, the experience is what i need. there's a lot of observations i made from this... a lot of learning points.

Next Sunday is 10km Mizuno run... now 10km shouldn't be a problem, esp after running 13km on thurs.. just a bit daunted by the 21km run in august. sigh... i just hope i don' end up pulling down the entire commando formation. really don't want Chief Commando coming to me and asking me why i didn't meet the timing for the 21km run.

I'm getting a temptation to join the Wesley YM worship team... at first after i expressed interest in joining, i felt that i might be doing it for selfish reasons and not reasons towards the glorification of His name. This was after some peeps from Third Place talked to me. So i pulled back and said i wouldn't join. But at the same time, i still wish very much for a different exposure, musically... i dunno. kinda mixed right now... not sure what to do. ah well, what's new. back to work tomorrow... weekends are too short.

2007-06-10T22:20:00.000+08:00

T.A.G. (tactical action games)

we went to play laser tag today at macritchie reservoir. at 1st when i asked other people to go too, they were like "wad? you're gonna do ATEC in macritchie reservoir?" haha. So went down with Mike Mel Wynne James Joanna Joe and Yunling for some running around and spazing with guns.

Ok, so after this encounter and the last paintball game in feb, i have deduced that....

1. it's always good to wear something that blends in with the environment and not something striking like orange or light blue (unless u want to draw fire of course)

2. pointing your weapon at your team-mate is a big no no... you wouldnt like it too if you took a paintball in the butt at close proximity, and you wouldnt like to start laser tag with less lives than 10 just cos some trigger happy team-mate decided to test if his/her lasers were really working.

3. in laser tag, you can cheat by placing duct tape over the receiving sensors. (this is also known as god mode in common gamer lingo). If duct tape is not available, feel free to show ur opponent ur butt and back and hide the sensors in your shirt while you retreat in a strange fashion.

4. in view of being tactically sound during the match, please refrain from yelling out your bf/gf's name and surname when they sneak up on you from behind. this usually just draws more attention to you and will get you killed faster ultimately. (be prepared to face 2-3 more opponents in such circumstances. in which case, your only hope would be for them to go mad and shoot each other)

5. if you are lacking in the area of aiming, feel free to hang behind behind much foliage and wait for everyone to slug it out before you come out and pick off whatever remaining lives they may have. (this tactic also works well with walking around aimlessly with your weapon aiming to the floor as if you're already dead, in which opponents may actually fall for it and divert their attention to other things while you sneak up from behind and take a few cheap shots at them)

6. if you get shot, dont just stand there. odds are, your opponent has his sights on you still. standing there admiring the pretty lights emanating from your gun aint gonna make you regenerate life magically.

7. when finding a nice place to camp, always pay attention to the terrain before you prone. it's not nice to have ants in your pants/shirt. you'll be doing more itching and ant-killing rather than any firing (and ant frags dont count)

8. paintball, though more expensive, is still more appealing than laser tag. it's just something about about having real impact in your shots and being able to know when you're under fire or not. (in laser tag you can switch off your sound and do stealth shots... plus no recoil.)

All in all, what's most important is the people you play with. At the end of the day, you gotta be able to just sit down and laugh at one another with no hard feelings. =)

anyway, right now, it's Game Over. Back to work. back to army.
On another note, Alvin just told me that he's giving me an opportunity to run the whole third place service on the 7th of July next month as part of my training since i wanna go into full-time. Don't know what's gonna happen/what i'm gonna do. I'm excited and nervous at the same time i guess. It's something i wanna do, but i havent done in a really long time. hope all goes well.

2007-06-04T00:09:00.000+08:00

Being Deaf...
is something i really dread and am very scared of. I had a taste of it though. I got home from 3rd place camp yesterday afternoon and washed up... when i was cleaning my ear with a cotton bud, the wax somehow got into my inner canal and stuffed up my hearing. (this has happened before but didn't last very long) I spent the whole afternoon trying to get the wax out, and a lot of it did but i was worried about what if i had pushed the cotton bud in too far earlier and punctured my ear drum. It gave me time to think of what life would be like if i was deaf/ semi deaf. it's scary.
I also realised that when you can't hear things, you tend to focus inwards more, as in contemplate about stuff more and block out things around.
Went to the Doctor's last night and he gave me some eardrops and tablets and sent me home. which was rather disappointing (like fix it NOW dammit). Woke up Sunday morning, still unable to hear. So when i got into the shower, i prayed really hard God please let me hear again.. and then pop, suddenly there was an opening. i was ecstatic. then on the way down to wesley in the bus, it suddenly closed up again. i was like why?! and i felt God reminding me that He will give and take away things from my life. and He also told me that it ain't gonna be enough to hear again. He's gotta clean out all the crap that's in there as well or it's just gonna creep back. And He wasn't just talking about my hearing. He was talking about my life.
Got to wesley for YM 9.30 service, then as i was leaving, i decided to try one more time to clear up my ear canal. and this time it cleared up till now. Which i really thank God for because i was gonna watch Anberlin at Far East Square with Mark at night (was pretty good) and i didn't wanna waste my 50 bucks.

3rd Place Camp
Must say that it was really really fun this year at Camp Christine. the place super ulu... but nonetheless a really good place to have a camp. Played and Laughed a whole lot and got to know each other better. It's things like these that really remind me how much i am blessed by the people around me. Was sad to see the whole thing come to and end. And even sadder now that i have to face the stress of work again tomorrow. sigh. 6 more months...
To you guys who have been a blessing to me in my life, i've said it, and i'll say it again. I really thank God for blessing me with you guys in my life. I wouldn't know how to face it otherwise.

2007-05-26T23:30:00.000+08:00

The torchlight theory

Just went for iHope today. Youth Conference/ Seminar. It was pretty good. the main speaker was Sy Rogers, really amazing guy... i could talk a whole lot abt him now but that would take a really long time. Only thing that i felt didnt really match up to the whole level of the conference was the praise and worship. Not that they were bad, but you could tell they were kinda inexperienced in understanding the energy levels that go into the whole thing.

Some short reflections on the workshops. 1st one i went for was on God's will. the speaker categorised it into Sovereign, Moral and Individual.

Sovereign meaning God's BIG plan. End of the day He wins. Along the lines of the rainbow and the end of the storm. the good brought out of all the evil that occurred, in some sense.
Moral meaning decisions we make from what we perceive as right in our lives.
and Individual (which we all always struggle with the most) is about the things that happen in our lives, be it big or small. Like whether to wear shorts or jeans today or whether to become a doctor or a lawyer.

God eventually reveals His will to us via the torchlight method. He'll show us things a step at the time. as we progress to that step, we'll see more of His will in our lives. In some way, that really annoys us like mad at times. But we gotta learn to live with that.

3rd workshop was with Sy Rogers. He was touching on sexual issues that usually don't get addressed much, and it really helped everyone.. including myself. But he also mentioned about Christians becoming very "event/miracle" oriented. This kinda reflected back to me about what Alvin was telling me the other day. There are 2 terms: Chronos and Kairos. I think i'm spelling those right. Kairos is abt the moment in time where we witness God's presence really touch us. These events occur... and they come along in the line of special events/miracles. But during this whole fascination with Kairos, we cannot forget Chronos. Which is, the daily task of getting to know God though we may not feel the tangible, amazing things that we would encounter in Kairos. God may have died for us on the cross and forgave all our sin (Kairos), but it will take a really long time for us to really know Him and His will for us (Chronos). It's something i definitely struggle with too. i wish every moment in life would be like a Kairos moment. But that doesnt happen.

I left the conference at dinner time and decided to go back to 3rd place, cos i wanted to see everyone, including jo, who's been having a really hard time recently and i havent seen her in quite a long while. But as i got of 33, i realised i left my favourite jacket on it, as it sped off. To tell you frankly, i'm feeling kinda sad now. Guess it may be the cumulation of the fact that i lost my jacket, that my boss is coming back this wednesday, that i havent really fully planned and prepared for games for Church camp this coming week, and that sometimes i find that i'm a walking doormat for people who i make a conscious effort to make happy/please and they don't reciprocate the intention. But at such a time as this, i know God's will is at play one way or another in my life. i may not like what God's torchlight is pointing at now, but there's a purpose for this happening. I can't ignore the Chronos and expect the Kairos every single step of my life.

2007-05-06T23:24:00.000+08:00

New borders
Back to work tomorrow. fortunately, practically almost everyone in camp is leaving for training in taiwan and i'm not going this time fortunately.
Past week has been spend busy at work, yet also contemplating the future. was talking to Alvin on the way back home the other day. He was saying that there might be limited room to grow in truth. Possibly quite true... although i do enjoy myself there a lot, and it's work that i wish i could do the rest of my life, there's also other stuff for me to do as well. that's why i'm starting to venture into serving at Wesley YM. just starting to get to know people here and there. just hope that i eventually fit in. still think that i dont. This is not to say that Truth is out of the picture. i definitely wanna do things there as well. it's just amazing to see things like Fusion happen. Without Truth, these things may never really come to be.

Also been playing World of Warcraft. Now i know why there's so much rave about the whole thing. even though the game is rather old already... it's really an interesting and engaging game.

anyhoo.. mel tagged me on her blog (which link i need to update)
how these things originate, really baffles me.. must be really bored.

EACH PLAYER OF THIS GAME STARTS OFF WITH 10 WEIRD THINGS, HABITS, OR LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT ONESELF. PEOPLE WHO GET TAGGED MUST WRITE IN THEIR BLOG 10 WEIRD THINGS, HABITS, OR FACTS, AS WELL AS STATE THIS RULE CLEARLY. AT THE END, YOU MUST CHOOSE SIX PEOPLE TO BE TAGGED AND LIST THEIR NAMES. NO TAG-BACKS!

1. i have a huge scar on my left foot that kinda looks like an "i"
2. i'm the grandson of an ex-professional wrestler (the WWF kind yes... just that it's in singapore)
3. i can't ride a bike
4. i cannot stand the smell of newspaper ink. makes me feel like puking. since young. (this is probably the weirdest thing about me)
5. i used to do gymnastics when i was in primary school (when i was skinny.. appalling no?)
6. i got my scuba diving license at age 12, but i still havent gotten my driving license at age 21 -_-''
7. i can pull a 6.5 tonne truck but i cant do more than 5 pull ups... haha (hopefully will change soon)
8. i think of stupid bets in my own head like "if the next bus that comes is 147, i'll try calling her tonight" or something like that/ along those lines. (but i never usually follow up on those personal bets)
9. i have weird sleeping positions (mel and some others told me that i slept like a beached whale once during movie marathon watchnight)
10. i'm the nephew of Nigel Hendroff (Hillsong electric guitarist). i didnt know that either till about a year ago...

I cant really think of who to tag, cos i don't know who reads, but ok, i tag:
1. Aaron Wilfred
2. Shing
3. Melody
4. Steph Quek
5. Hern Shung

2007-04-30T00:15:00.000+08:00

I'm sooo gonna be zonked tomorrow

sunday night and i just got home from crashing someone's birthday party. Ok, so i kinda know the guy, but i only like met him once. Still doesnt quite justify me being there. But a few old friends here and there. Mr. Andrew Chang Zhong Ren for one... my primary school best friend. who now has very long hair and has grown fairly tall, though not as tall as me. still as spaz as when we were 10, though toned down a bit. His gf looks like him. o_O
Met a CQ coursemate as well. Mr. Leong Tze Hao. now with long dyed hair and a spiffy pink I/C. bah.

Also, after seeing that much talent all in one place that night... i suddenly feel very inferior as a musician again. arg. i really should get down to practicing more. i think i need someone to teach me... but then time's a factor right now... silly army...

anyway, i will update a more proper/sensible post soon hopefully. either that or i'll slump into lazy blogging mood again.

2007-04-01T22:58:00.000+08:00

Give me Jesus

went down to Chen Su Lan home again yesterday with Third Place again. I personally find it very hard to actually do these kind of voluntary work stuff... but at the end of the day, it's all about denying oneself and understanding what God wants and not what i want.

But somehow or another, something good always turns out from these things. God used the whole weekend and stuff to remind me of a lesson that i learnt some time ago, and reinforced it once again.
Been reading this book for cell grp... it's titled "In the Name of Jesus" by henri nouwen. Jacob passed me the book quite some time ago, so decided to read it over again. The author's a qualified professor from harvard, but one day his ministry brought him to serve full time as a chaplain at a home for the mentally retarded. His reasonings and profound theology suddenly served no purpose whatsoever. you can't talk reason to someone who has no reason. that was what it really meant to be nothing before God except a vessel for His work. Bringing nothing out of one's own skills or intelligence, except his own heart.

A few times while i've been through army, i've always asked myself what would happen if i lost a hand, an arm, a leg, my sight, my voice? I realised how much i take for granted these normal abilities and i cannot fathom what i would do without them. Mostly cos i'm thinking, i would never be able to play the guitar if i lost the use of my hand. I wouldnt be able to run or walk for a leg. i wouldnt be able to see the people i love, for my sight. I wouldnt be able to sing, for my voice. But what if one day, that really happens and i lose my ability to play the guitar and sing? how does that affect my service to God? what does it really mean to come before Him, without talent or ability and still serve Him with my whole heart?

All these things were going through my head while we were at Chen Su Lan. Prior to that, i had the song "Give me Jesus" from Mark's worship set for this coming Saturday. Really reminded me of what i should consider important in my life. the things this world favours, or what God favours. When i come to Die, Give me Jesus... because He's what matters at the end.

Give Me Jesus

In the morning when I rise,
In the morning when I rise,
In the morning when I rise give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus, give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
But give me Jesus.

And when I am alone,
Oh, and when I am alone,
And when I am alone give me Jesus.

And when I come to die,
Oh, and when I come to die,
And when I come to die, give me Jesus.

You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
But give me Jesus.

2007-03-15T22:09:00.000+08:00

Time after Time...

Had 2 days off on thurs and fri, followed by leave from mon-wed.. It was really good. 7 days out of camp.

Went down to Outram Sec last thurs to help out with the outreach thing there with Truthmin and Third Place. Reminiscing of Roadie days... haha. setting up the sound system/ instruments etc... as usual, tearing down takes 1/5th the time that it takes to set up. Met Jon Ong from BRMC during the outreach cos he was playing for Truthmin... Mark D was telling me about him. saw him play electric guit during Fusion. I'm ashamed of myself as a guitarist now. haha. great guy as well.

Fri, back down to Truthmin to do a video from footage we shot on thurs. Also had a "surprise" bday party for Char at Timbre, which i nearly screwed up due to my stupidity. Fortunately, she was too nua that day to notice my screw up.

To Third Place on Sat for Service... had to lead worship. went well. had bbq on the rooftop at night as followup to the outram outreach.

Sunday was another nua sunday for me... just rot at home... till evening where i actually went for a run. heh

Monday... start of WAM Camp at Wesley (called CAM Camp again this year thanks to drama and dance being put back in)... awesome time... met Lydia for Pool and then dinner at Fish & Co. Back home and online to settle Worship for tues morning with Mark D.

Tues... Day 2 of WAM... Mark D lead worship in the morning. Once again, another great day spent with people i love a lot. Out for dinner at plaza sing with Jesse, Shernice and their 2 friends from Aldersgate... then we caught "pursuing happyness". The movie almost made me tear. So far, i've only teared watching the Passion of Christ. not bawl mind you... just tear... it's bad enough though. heh. But really made me think about things in life.

Wed... Led worship in the morning, where i made 2 major screw ups. (this is what i get for trying songs that i'm not that familiar with playing yet, and not practicing before worship. Truthmin doesnt really practice much or at all before we play for worship. guess it's good and bad) Went for small grp at Third Place after that. Nearly fell asleep several times. was really tired... somehow when you're on holiday, your body runs on a different battery as compared to when you're working in the army. You tend to be able to sleep less and accomplish more things (that you wanna do of course).

Then of course comes the very sad return to reality, that is army life. I hate that feeling. it really really sucks to feel that dread of going back to camp after a long break. one of the crappiest feelings in the world i think.

2007-03-04T22:25:00.000+08:00

Another Army Daze...

I'd never thought i'd ever be called a "pet" much less in army for that matter. On friday, a friend who's a training spec, called me a "pet" and that i was effed up cos i was so "on the ball" for doing things for our 2IC. Or at least i thought he was a friend.
My camp is screwed up as it is, no hope for a lot of welfare, and there's a heck of a lot of other CQs out there who arent suffering as much as me. I'm not complaining right now but i still try my best cos i've convinced myself that it's because of my personal integrity. Nothing else.

We've yet again been slapped with a "stay in" status, meaning we shouldnt be able to go home on weekdays. Which doesnt make sense because we've been working so hard as it is and we've been showing results. I was the only guy that tried to reason with our 2IC when this happened. His point was that we were being made to stay in cos of the exact same fella who called me a "pet". the office changing room was a mess cos of him and certain documents weren't being maintained on his side.

It's the contingency of ratting out on a friend or doing your job well. Well, i chose to rat out on him on a serperate issue on friday. hence the name calling. Not feeling too good about the whole thing. I'm just trying my best, yet why do i have to make friendships sour at the same time. sigh

Another Sunday rotted away. spent most of the time playing PSP, watching anime and sleeping. What's the deal with the sad life? i'm 21 for goodness sakes, i should be living it out. but i end up just wasting the time away. Such is army life. where's the point? every week zips past (which is the only good thing imo) but where's life? havent seen it much at all. ok i'm just being emo. havent been in quite some time i think. Around me, i see all my friends getting attached/ already attached... i'm really happy for them.. but i dont see any glimpse of that for me... okok yes, emo emo. blah.

Munchkin Cheats:
On a side note, i've discovered a new cheat code while playing munchkin.
To unlock, wait till Wynne gets a Cleric Class Card and see her grin with glee. then place a "curse! change class" card in front of her to switch her back to a warrior. then press urself against the back of your chair and watch the FMV (full motion video, for those non-rpg players) of a very very very scary Wynne Chia wanting to flick your ear. Warning: we do not hold any responsibility of any bodily harm the Wynne Chia might inflict on you if you do not move back far enough in your seat.
Sorry Wynne about the change class, but yes you were very scary!

2007-02-21T23:36:00.000+08:00

I'm so cheapskate... but an accurate cheapskate... lol

convo btwn Wyn and I (Feb 21st, 2300hrs)...

-Ian- Map of the Problematique says:
eh did u get all the hits on ur left thigh at the same time as ur hand?
toodles says:
yes friend
toodles says:
they were ALL in the last game
-Ian- Map of the Problematique says:
or it was all diff separate occasions?
-Ian- Map of the Problematique says:
OH
-Ian- Map of the Problematique says:
O_O
-Ian- Map of the Problematique says:
sorry then... it was all me
toodles says:
-_-
toodles says:
yes they all were
toodles says:
u owe me coffee
-Ian- Map of the Problematique says:
i thought it was diff occasions
toodles says:
nopes
toodles says:
all in the lastone
-Ian- Map of the Problematique says:
u mean i hit u so many times consecutively?
toodles says:
yeah...but i ignored theones on thethigh cos they didn't hurt THAT muh
-Ian- Map of the Problematique says:
ohhh
-Ian- Map of the Problematique says:
wow
-Ian- Map of the Problematique says:
eh liddat i should be the one getting the coffee
-Ian- Map of the Problematique says:
=P
-Ian- Map of the Problematique says:
hahahaha
toodles says:
oei
toodles says:
wah lau eh
-Ian- Map of the Problematique says:
okok i owe u coffee
-Ian- Map of the Problematique says:
from the cafe
-Ian- Map of the Problematique says:
lol
toodles says:
ian lee shangjin!!
-Ian- Map of the Problematique says:
hahaha
-Ian- Map of the Problematique says:
alright alright
-Ian- Map of the Problematique says:
i owe u coffee ok?
toodles says:
yay
toodles says:
wokay!
-Ian- Map of the Problematique says:
macs one can anot?

2007-02-19T13:18:00.000+08:00

Paintball Dreams

i'm officially bored out of my mind right now. nothing's open at the shops and i've been rotting at home. completed Splinter Cell Essentials on my PSP and about 5 games of dota yesterday. which leaves me with nothing to do today. d'oh.

Paintball on sat was uber fun... even though really expensive but nonetheless super fun.
Amazingly, i have no welts from being shot. think i got hit like 3 times on my legs and that's about it. Wynne on the other hand was the champion... 6 welts apparently, not including the mega one i gave her on her hand. (Sorry Wynne... not intentional =P)

I keep thinking about paintball. i even went to check out the ion upgrades and the grenade launchers. whooo... i'm going mad. But it's a sport too expensive for me. Once in a while with friends is good though.

2007-02-16T23:22:00.000+08:00

On the gender of prawns...
went to marina south to bowl and have a really unhealthy BBQ Buffet dinner with camp mates.
this ensues during the dinner.

Jinwen (with the soup ladel): You want prawns?
Me (face full of chicken): Yeah sounds good.
*Jinwen scoops a prawn with a small hotdog and some soup into my bowl
Me: wah so good ah, got bonus hotdog.
Jinwen: oh, that means that your prawn is male

rofl.

paintball tomorrow with third place peeps. gonna be real fun... plus it's a long weekend. woo

2007-01-15T23:01:00.000+08:00

FUSION '07!!!

it was a wonderful weekend. managed to get out of camp on time of fri evening. braved the rain and got down to Suntec for the 1st night of Fusion. Got there to help out, so got my T-shirt and headed to the console to help with powerpoint and other random stuff. The atmosphere was amazing. such a huge place... 1500 people approx. got home at about 1 after supper with Jo, Favian, Jill, Mel Guan and Reg. Reg dropped us home.

Slept for 5 hrs and got ready for day 2. cabbed down to Suntec with my guit. whole day was simply so so fulfilling that it disappeared before i knew it. Guit workshop during the day. Then came the night rally. 3000 people! Youth Alive was amazing, as well as the wesley and aldersgate bands. Somehow the time came to pack up before i knew it, then headed to NYDC again for supper with Reg Bel Mark Favian and Mel Guan. got home at 1 again.

Slept 5 hrs once again then went down to Wesley YM. Youth Alive was playing again. They didnt hold back even though it was a smaller congregation. Went for lunch with them, Alvin, Jo, Eugene, Favian, Chinhui and Joshua. Chicken Rice at toa payoh. Got to know Youth Alive during this day. All very cool people and not a whole lot older than me. They went back to the hotel to rest for awhile then Pastor Alvin, Jo and I picked them up at 5pm to go borders and far east, followed by night safari at 8pm, then late dinner at Adam Road Market. Got home at 1. Yet another awesome day.

Seriously tired out after that weekend. it was so much fun and i really enjoyed it. anyway, here's a concept for the Fusion T-shirt that Mark did... in the end he scrapped this one and ended up with the current one. We realised that if we did do this design, we'd prob be all arrested at Suntec... haha.

2007-01-03T00:08:00.000+08:00

11 days of bliss...

... have come to an end.
yeah, so my holiday away from army is over. And yes i am terribly sad right now.

Day 1: Book out of camp in the morn after graduation ceremony for the trainees. went home to sleep for an hour before going down to wesley for Carols by Candlelight. Excellent night. Supper at Macs with Mel, Mike, Wynne, Joe, Jo and Alvin.

Day 2: Xmas Eve... went to Wesley in the morn for YM then out for lunch... then to Francis' house with Mel, Mike, Joe and Wynne to chill, play mahjong and play xbox(in my case)... Xmas eve dinner at home with family.

Day 3: Xmas... to Wesley for Church Service, then back home to vegetate... Xmas Dinner at Grandma's house.

Day 4: met Wesley YM Camp group for lunch, movie (night at the museum) and dinner.

Day 5: Parents leave for OZ. met Steph to go to Davis to sort out her guitar. Head to Church to meet Pastor Alvin to go for retreat at canossian convent. reached the retreat centre in the evening and met rest of the gang... Mel, Mike, Yunling, Mich Tok, Wynne, Madeline, Jason and Brenda.

Day 6: woke up in the retreat centre... spent quality time with God and 714 group till late noon. went to cold storage to buy groceries and headed home.

Day 7: cook lunch for Lydia and watched Legally Blonde (yes i dont believe myself either). to Bukit Timah and back and rot at home.

Day 8: met Steph Quek for lunch at wisma, followed by chillout at her place with Wanping, and the constantly mad Shumei as well as several other pple... I learnt how to play Bridge on this day, though i'm still have not totally understood the game. Discovered Quoridor and how fun it is.

Day 9: New Year's Eve. To Wesley for P&P Service. Watched Death Note 2 after lunch at Mos Burger. Back home to pack stuff. Joe picks me up to go Mel's place for dinner. (which was very nice btw, thank u Mel). Off to Church for watchnight service practice. Francis, Mike and I played. Reg lead. Service starts at 10, last 2 hours of 2006 in games, worship and reflection.

Day 10: Chatting, Boggle and Movie Marathon in Church. Slept at 4.30am while the marathon was still going on. Woke up often due to the noise. went for breakfast at Tiong Bahru Market with Mel, Mike and Joe at 10am. Home to sleep till 1. Met Wynne at Island Creamery 4.30pm. Steph Quek drops by with her dog Kylie to play dai dee and quoridor. BIG rainbow in the sky. Adam Road market for dinner with Wynne and Joanna. Head West with Wynne. She goes home. i go over to Mark and Sarah's place to catchup. feeling dead tired due to previous night and the dread of work. Dad got back this day.

Day 11: Woke up. reality of going back to camp really sets in bad. lunch with dad, then town with Mel and Mike. Dinner at Bugis with them, then to Esplanade to see Steph perform. and this brings me to where i am now.

it was really great to have this 1 and 1/2 weeks of freedom and enjoyment. really saddens me to see it go. and i'm dreading the feeling i'm gonna have tomorrow morn when i wake up.
11 more months to go in the SAF. pls be quick and painless.

2006-12-25T00:54:00.000+08:00

It feels like it's Xmas...

There's that warm fuzzy feeling... yeap... it definitely feels like Xmas this time round. It's probably cos of friends and family... and how much i've learnt to appreciate them now after all i've been through the past year. My friends from 3rd Place who've been the best friends i've ever had, been there for me despite my ups and downs. My parents, who've been so loving, accomodating and supporting towards me, through army and towards my ambition into going into full time ministry. And to top it off, during this period, i'm on leave till the new year. my short break. finally.

just watched love actually on TV while my uncles and aunts and grandparents left the house in bunches. really wonderful movie now that i remember... and terribly emo as well. haha. one guy i can really identify with... "to me, you're perfect".

2006-12-24T00:37:00.000+08:00

Carols by Candlelight @ Wesley...

after 4 practices, we finally played for the worship at Wesley's Carols by Candlelight service. Raymond and Favian on Keys 1 & 2, Mike on Bass, Mel on Drums, Francis on Percussion, Reg, Joyce and myself on backup vocals, Me on Acoustic and Wynne leading. There were soooo many people there and the stage area for the band was like perched up on stage right, was a really interesting experience.
Wynne handled all the pressure really well... soo many people and mega bright lights, i'd be really nervous too, well more nervous than just playing acoustic. Everything pretty much turned out well, other than the sound. This was the one and only time i'd say that I couldn't hear Mel at all... only Favian and Raymond. Neither could i hear my acoustic. was rather annoying to not be able to drive anything and hear whether you're on the right chord. Note to self: always leave Vol pedal at minimum value when sound checking.
It was a really good experience, musically to do worship for this service. Raymond really gave very good insights and pushed the band to its optimum potential. I felt i could've and should've done better because i forgot to do several things and i screwed up here and there due to me not being able to hear myself. It's not the new year yet, but i think this year i'll make the resolution to work harder on my guit. Really not satisfied with where i'm at. So many other guys playing acoustic for the same time as me are a heck of a lot better than i am... i've been slacking off too much.
Then also comes the decision... at the end of my National Slavery, i'm thinking of either joining Trinity's Contemp or Wesley's Youth Band. Not sure right now... but looks like i'm gonna be transferring my membership from Trinity to Wesley cos i'm primarily at 3rd place. ah well, all in due time.

Anyway, it's Xmas Eve!

2006-12-01T01:01:00.000+08:00

R.I.P. NGage

Commando Anniversary at Pasir Ris Camp... equates to me being a very busy person. and a very tired one as well. and tiredness brings about me forgetting stuff/ not really 100% aware of what i'm doing. To cut the long story short, my Ngage was stolen/lost during all the madness.

My store ain't 100% there either. stuff is missing. there's just too much to account for. extra items suddenly appear out of the blue... and sometimes the item missing just points at me. i'm so stressed out at camp... and the handphone really didnt help much by disappearing along with my office keys. Goodbye my Ngage... i'll miss the games we had. then again not really cos i have my PSP now.

Odds are someone's taken them. But there's not much i can do about that now. when's this gonna end? all this craziness... i think i can only take so much. it's not possible for one man to do this much. All this from camp is over my head as it is! why is it i have to face even more trials after that? It's not just my phone... why cant all these things just be stable?

I keep questioning a lot of things. Why Lord? Can You not keep me in the dark for once? i'd like to know where i'm headed sometimes.

Lydia and Mark are talking about being "prepared" for Wesley YM Camp next week. I on the other hand dont really see what there is to prepare. Prepare to meet Him? that'd just mean i can only meet Him at camps? that cant be it. prepare to experience the emotional high from the whole thing? that's just being silly.

Being 2 of my best friends, I know they don't mean that... and i can see where they're coming from as well. It's gonna be an experience that He can use to make me a better person. But i'm so tired, i don't know how i can prepare in any way. i'm just gonna go and see what happens. I'm at my limit Lord, i'm stretched further than i've ever been stretched. what now? I just wanna be a lifeless zombie and not think... You can think for me... i'll just follow.

2006-11-26T00:37:00.000+08:00

let vegetables be vegetables and meat be eaten!

so now my mom is all about how meat is the bane of humanity... and how inhumane the whole process is of killing the animals in preparation to be eaten. and all this links back to this stupid email she got from a friend who is now vegetarian and saying "can we have christmas without meat?". She then proceeds to posting 2 links about animal rights bla bla.. how they're slaughtered in the most sad way etc..

I love my mom's cooking. she comes up with really good dishes... until now... when everything seems pretty much all vegetables. i saw a really nice cheesy casserole in the oven the other night... and expected it to have like rice and meat in it along with some carrots and broccoli. but noooooo... it was cauliflower in there... nothing BUT cauliflower... like just shoot me.
Don't get me wrong. i agree that vegetables are important and good for you... but so is meat! where the heck are you gonna get protein from? and veg simply doesnt taste as good as meat.

For goodness sakes, if God wanted us to be vegetarian, he would've said so! can you imagine? the miracle of the fish and two loaves of bread... the kai lan and two spinach buns. the miracle of manna falling from the sky when the israelites were in the desert, He would've dropped lettuce and a head of cabbage...
Animal sarifice was required before Christ.. that's not inhumane? i'd pity the poor animal-rights israelite during the miracles in egypt when the spirit of death came over egypt to claim the 1st born. "i'm sorry, i won't be putting animal blood over my doorway... it's inhumane to slaughter an animal.. you can have my kid instead"
-_-'' i want my turkey this Xmas please...

2006-11-12T22:19:00.000+08:00

nua...

sigh another sunday just spent rotting away. only thing i got to do was to go to the gym. need to do pass IPPT by end of this month, which is rather daunting.

Things to note at the gym (from people watching)-

1. 90.5 does not make for very good mood music when you're at the gym. And also not very safe. you do not want to fall asleep while doing bench presses.
2. If you are using a machine and are taking a break, try to keep it to about 2 minutes max... 1stly you're not getting a good workout and 2ndly, you're just being selfish.
3. please refrain from singing while running on the treadmill... once again, you're not working out if you can run and sing at the same time... and it's bad enough that 90.5 is putting me to sleep and you have to make my ears bleed now.
4. please do not try to do a weight that you cannot handle and end up only doing 1 or 2 repetitions, before putting down the weights and taking a 5 minute break.
5. the gym is a place for you to increase your heartrate and strength... it's not the right place for you to sit down and read a magazine/newspaper while you cycle for 10 minutes at the heartrate of 70.
6. It looks very weird if you pump 70kilos on the bench press and have a huge upperbody, but your legs are the diameter of bamboo poles. go run and do squats.
7. please read the instructions/ask someone if you don't know how to use the machine. it's very embarassing if you try to push down on the foot bar of the assisted pull up machine, hoping to get a workout on your triceps.
8. try to do more sit-ups than sit-downs.

i gotta find something more productive to do on sundays... it'll be nice to go out and all but not many pple to do so with... zzzz nite folks.

2006-11-05T22:59:00.000+08:00

Lord of the Strings: Return of the Queen...
and
An UnXpected invitation

My wife has returned!!! Got back my Garrison G4 yesterday from KaiChin... sent her in for repairs on the neck where the lacquer was cracking. removed lacquer, matt finish, then he did some work on the setup. She sounds better, feels better, plays better... the $120 was worth it. was so happy to play her again yesterday. after service, wesley young adult service... Mark and Josh played, after which i headed down to Timbre with Josh to meet Charissa, Goldie and Stephen with his gang. UnXpected was playing there. Their 1st time at Timbre. We sat right next to the stage and Josh had a very good view of Asri's bass playing...

Nov 05 2006, 0030hrs - just before UnXpected's 3rd set...

Shirlyn (walking past me): "Hey, you guys wanna jam?" (points at Josh's bass and my G4)

Me (stuttering badly): "urh.. um... nah it's ok..."

Shirlyn (still pointing at my G4): "is that your guitar?"

Me: "yeah, it's mine.."

Shirlyn: "oh ok, you sure you don't wanna jam?"

Me: "yeah, it's ok..."

Shirlyn (walks on stage to get something then steps down again): "let us know if you change ur mind"

that short moment was on my mind the whole night. would've been great to be able to jam with them... but would've just made a fool of myself onstage... nowhere close to their standard.

long day in camp tomorrow... argh... need. a. break. urgently.

2006-10-29T22:10:00.000+08:00

The Puddles
I saw an old man today. He was rather dirty. Torn clothes. Bag full of crumpled newspapers. City Hall. In front of Gramaphone. he took off his slippers, and submerged both his feet in a puddle on the road and attempted to wash them by rubbing the right over the left, then left over right. Queer sight. But kinda reflects how we all are sometime. Especially me... when we get so caked in life's dark moments and difficulties, we attempt to find a way to get out of the crap we're in. But amidst that, we wash ourselves in the wrong things. many times have i found myself turning away from my Quiet Time, turning away from God and indulging in the things that seem to clean away my difficulties and anxiety but never really help.

I just wanna breathe. I've been washing my feet in puddles too long... i think the puddle's drowning me.

2006-10-01T23:19:00.000+08:00

Pain...

yes, another emo rant... monday is nearly here again. i havent even reached it and i'm already stressed out as to what i'm gonna do tomorrow. heck of a lot of stress at work everyday. Edwin's gonna start clearing leave in like 16 working days or something like that. leaving me to my own demise in Pasir Ris camp. everyone hates edwin. all the sergeants and the warrant officers. they just dont like him... in fact they want to see him SUFFER. how it came down to that, i'm not exactly sure. but i really hope i dont end up like him. i dont wanna get labeled as screwed up. but from the looks of it, it seems inevitable. i cannot possibly please everyone. eventually i'll screw a task up and then pple will start to condemn me. sigh. that's the impression i get so far. hoping that i can take thursday and friday off this week. i just need a break. just sit back, relax and breathe for awhile. but even that, i'm not sure of.

friday night was spent playing dota till 1am at AMK with aaron damein edwin and gary. i rollerbladed home after. i dont know why i waste my time out late at night like that. doesnt serve much purpose at all. doesnt even destress. slept at 3am and woke up at 1pm on sat. i really zonked out thanks to all work i guess. went for service, then to united square for ben&jerrys, followed by Walas with Char and Goldie. that was fairly fun and it's always good to hear good live music from the unXpected... but we spent quite a bit on booze and the cab ride home. slept at 3am again. woke up at 6am cos my dad was stirring about outside... went back to sleep till 9am then woke up. intended to go to trinity for 1115 service, but was too lazy in the end. nobody free in the afternoon on sunday as usual. so rotted at home the whole day. crummy sunday... feeling damn pathetic and lonely at the same time. ok lah... emo in general. cant help it. just comes... like what most of my friends say, i need to get to know more pple. but i dont see how i can do that. maybe this is why i waste my time doing stupid stuff like playing dota till 1am on fri night. it's cos i dont have a life. my existence really sucks.

i know i know... where's God in all of this? Havent been too close to Him off late and it's hard to focus on Him when everything's piled on you everyday of the week. Also stuff like when your prayers dont receive the answer you were hoping for... and why all this shit has to happen to me. why does life have to suck so much while i'm in army. no doubt it is hard in the army. but i've got it worse than most other pple i know. why me?! maybe it's His way of making me rely on Him, but even that i don't know.. Wynne was saying that i should just take it and at the end of all this, i'll be really good at managing my time and admin cos of all this stress in army. it's nice to look at it that way.. but hard to remind myself of that all the time. i'm stuck in a rut, and there's nothing i or anyone else can do to get out of this. it's like my inevitable fate is to be picked on and made to suffer under all the officers and warrant officers, no matter how much i try my best. i feel lost and lonely. help.

2006-09-24T22:06:00.000+08:00

What? Monday again?!

pbbt... monday comes too fast. i was just beginning to enjoy my weekend. ok at least it didnt suck as much as last sunday where so many things just went wrong. But really, why cant monday take its time? like chill out man... slow down, i just sat down to breathe.

oh well,
met up with army pple on friday night to play dota till midnight then went home... played boggle after service yesterday at island creamery and then again at east coast... brain was totally fried after that i think. went to watch Miami Vice with Char at the revamped cathay (yes i know it's been quite sometime.. but i've never gone in before). Nearly fell asleep in the middle of the movie. though the last gunfight sequence was pretty cool. fortunately, Char's an M1 user, so tix were like 7 dollars something only. which was surprising. Came home to hear some arguement going on regarding my grand-dad and my aunts... shrugs... then watched sg idol..

i think most chinese girls i know are like supporting jonathan leong. quite frankly, it'd be quite dejavu for another taufik batisah to win sg idol, aka hady mirza... but really, his vocals exceed jonathan by a lot, imo. so he does deserve to win. regardless of who wins, they'll get much money and a contract but i doubt any of them will go very far. like hello? i dont see taufik except in a lot of 7-11 stuff... let alone hear him. sylvester just CANNOT MAKE IT.

the local music scene has so many other pple that are so much better than the sg idols. like if shirlyn tan of the unXpected was to join sg idol, they'd skip the spectaculars and everything else and make her sg idol at her audition. oh well... too many unsung heroes out there.

i need a long holiday. seriously.

2006-09-17T23:01:00.000+08:00

Thailand... land of...
upside down switches
many many bugs and creepy crawlies
bathing with a scoop and big trench of water
very very bad music
many potholes

ok... i had quite a few more of those but i cant really recall them right now... it's been a week since coming back from thailand... i'm happy to be back cos i get to see friends and family... at the same time work is still work... and i havent been compensated for my loss of weekends in thailand yet. i need a break... a long one. I just wanna take a breather... rest and enjoy myself for a full week... i didnt get to go for young leaders conference thanks to thailand... just wondering when i should ask for my days off in regards to thailand. Camp is still intimidating and unnerving in one way or another.. there isnt a day without stress. the weekends come as a much needed relief, but it's shortlived. too short.

Very soon my upperstudy, Mr edwin lim is gonna ORD... happy him... and then all the weight of work in Pasir Ris Camp will plop straight onto my shoulders... i'm not looking forward to that... seems like a lot... but a lot of work we do now is due to his own mess... which i'm insisting he clear up himself... but i have a feeling, it's still gonna affect me in one way or another.

sigh worry worry. last weekend was really great... as for this weekend, yesterday was quite fun. however, today kinda really sucked... didnt get much done... wasted a lot of time... felt like crap.
why must weekends suck when weekdays are already bad enough?!

oh well, time to sleep.

all in all, we're just another brick in the wall

2006-08-13T22:33:00.000+08:00

Task #004

Your Ian Update: He says that he's still suffering but hanging on, that he has to go outfield for three days starting Wednesday, his sleeping quarters match those of the POWs (ahem, SPOILT!), and that he's counting down the days till he comes home. Long way more to go.

I figured that if I were to talk about the whole surprise party now it'd be really anti-climatic, so I won't. Maybe another time. I can't update this so often because I have exams in less than two weeks...so, yes, I actually have to study. But meanwhile, hold on to your panties (underwear, whatever), Project6Wings will be back in full force soon.

Goodnight.

2006-08-11T22:46:00.000+08:00

3 hours...

ok so i went out for the movie with char (excellent movie btw... Adamn Sandler's Click)... then headed back home for dinner with char. at the elevator, i heard this maniacal scream of terror from some lady and i turned around to see wynne and a can of pepsi in my face... then came the eggs from melissa and aaron... then the flour from joe and i dunno who else... my mom cooked A LOT of food for everyone, which included Pastor Alvin and his family, Yun Ling, Mike, Goldie, Shing, Miss Tok, Aaron, Char, Phen, Melissa, Wynne and Joe. I was really surprised and i didnt see it coming at all... and it was a pleasant surprise.

Now everyone's gone home and i have to face thailand in a few hours. The whole last minute party just reminded me of how much my friends and family love me... truly i'm blessed and touched, not to mention it makes going to thailand sadder, but at the same time i know i've found the pple who i can depend on and trust, and i'll carry that with me as i go up.

To all the people in my life now, mostly from Third Place, thank you for accepting me for who i am and being my friends... words cant explain how much you all mean to me and how much i love all you guys.

2006-08-11T14:21:00.000+08:00

12 hours...

this feeling of dread... i really hate it. it sucks to feel this way. somehow my mind has already registered that it's only gonna be for 4 weeks. i'll be back soon. that it's not gonna be that bad. then on the other part of me, it really aches and hurts to leave my friends and family. why i'm stuck in this state of emotional breakdown, i have no clue. somethings that the mind can comprehend, the heart cannot bear to face.

gonna meet char now for a movie. i hope that really cheers me up...

stop the pain. i just wanna be numb and let it fade away.

2006-08-09T22:16:00.001+08:00

52 Hours....

....before i leave for Thailand. sigh. the weekend was good, though i fell sick just before we reached walas. the store duty and guard duty last thurs and fri really did me in. i didnt let that stop me though. my last weekend shouldnt just disappear just cos i'm a tad under the weather. I enjoyed myself a lot, esp on sat night with Phen, Char, Jae and Wynne and the flaming lamborghini... an experience i dont think i'll forget. Oh yes, UnXpected too...

Sunday was fun though i was a tad disappointed cos several pple couldnt turn up in the end. not to mention, it should've been more happening rather than just sitting around, eating and talking.

Monday really sucked having to go back to camp... furthermore i was on store duty. had only 5hrs of sleep that night after all the crap. on tues i had to go home and pack all my stuff to load in for thailand. so i expected to only return to camp at 6pm... i tried to get some sleep at noon but i got several calls and eventually they wanted me to be back by 2pm. i was already pretty pissed, but i took a cab down, only to reach camp and find out all the pple who called me were out of camp and there was nothing to do. wasted my time and rest. even more pissed... then they tell me that i need to come back on National Day to help pack. i couldnt take it anymore and i wasnt feeling well so i got a MC. Hence i spent the whole day at home today. was nice to just chill and relax... sleep in and not think so much.

Tomorrow's the last day of work and friday should be off before the flight on sat morning 2am. i cant imagine having to go into camp on fri morning again. i hope they're not mad enough to do that. then again they've done crazier things. stupid disorganised regular monkeys in the army.

This may or may not be my last post before i leave and the photos arent uploading for some weird reason. in the meantime, char will guestblog here and there i think, =p.

i dont wanna go away, dont wanna leave... all those who mean so much to me.

2006-08-07T20:48:00.000+08:00

Wala & Gardens on Saturday

Right now I'm not only the guest blogger, I'm also the picture provider. Nice one, Ian! So I took the liberty of adding contrast to the picture I took with him because I look very white and bloodshot and scarier than usual, so yes, if you must see the original ugly one it's on my blog. But anyway.

Wala was pretty fun. Ian didn't do his 21 shots as his pre-birthday...thing, which sucked, but he did have a flaming lamborghini, and I swear, it didn't do anything for him at all. He was just stoned for awhile. And Jaesson! Hahaha, the entertainer of the night - I salute you.

So two jugs of beer, one plate of chicken wings, one plate of fries, yelling Mr. Big and Bon Jovi, one cab ride, two ATM withdrawals, two egg pratas, one Zapple and one...(I forgot what Ian had, teh ping? milo ping?), one stolen PSP, one freaked out Ian and two evil laughing friends later...Saturday night (well, Sunday morning) ended on a high note.

Then the party on Sunday consisted of two separate sets of friends, polaroids, dunking, and smashing the pie on The Cousin instead of The Birthday Boy. A lot of laughs there, I must say. Project6Wings will post pictures when they're uploaded, for tonight though, he's stuck in camp but will be back tomorrow morning. Go bug him for them!

For me, it's a shower and studying and then the Desperate Housewives finale.

That is all. I'm out.

XXXX, Charissa

2006-08-02T21:59:00.000+08:00

Because of Shing's & Char's post:

1. I’ll respond with something random about you
2. I’ll challenge you to try something
3. I’ll pick a colour that I associate with you
4. I’ll tell you something I like about you
5. I’ll tell you my first/clearest memory of you
6. I’ll tell you what animal you remind me of
7. I’ll ask you something I’ve always wanted to ask you
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your blog

2006-07-30T01:10:00.000+08:00

The most depressing month of this year

yes i officially declare July to be the worst month i've had this year... being posted to this unit is feels like this gigantic mountain looming over me, ready to eat me whole.
This past week has been the cherry on top of all the shit that has happened to me. Yes it has been decided that i'll be going up to Thailand. Even when i was told that i wouldnt be going. it's hard to believe and trust in what some pple say in my camp. my uplifted hopes were just brought to a high, only to be dashed violently against the rocks.

i realised i've been using quite a few metaphors on this post. oh well... i just feel terrible overall... this really sucky feeling. that i'm going to thailand on my 21st birthday and i will miss young methodist leaders conference once again this year cos of this trip. not to mention i wont get to see family and friends for 1 whole month. I'll miss everyone the very moment i step on that plane.

I almost went into a state of mental breakdown... if not for Char, i think i would've (tk u Char)... i even had suicidal thoughts quite often this week once the verdict was given. i don't know if i'll learn to cope with all the stress this camp is giving me... i hope i find a way to be happy there... it seems hard to though. hard to not piss off some big shot here or there.

I'm longing for that moment when i finally leave the army... and can continue with normal life again. so many great things to look forward to. went down for Truthmin's worship workshop on fri night and Mark M asked me whether we could sit down one day and discuss abt a career with them at Truthmin. That really made me happy. working there during my poly hols was prob the happiest moments of my life. i dont recall a day where i woke up and didnt feel like going to work back then. If really, i can do that for the rest of my life i would truly be really really happy. If only National Slavery will move faster. Wake me up when NS ends.

2006-07-24T18:28:00.000+08:00

Guest Blog Post #2

The owner of Project6Wings is lazy to update his portion of the WWW and I have taken over temporarily to satisfy your blog-reading craves.

So, hello.

The past two weeks (and the two weeks to come) have been taken over by insanely good music, both local and international acts. And it has been CRAZY GOOD. Baybeats two weeks ago, The UnXpected last week, Shirlyn Tan & gang again this week (I have no idea who's going though) and Mogwai ($78) on August 1st. Plainsunset ($25) on August 25th. Yadda yadda, don't ask me where the money is going to come from.

Miss Universe screened this morning and I caught it before I went to school. Puerto Rico won, which kinda sucks because I was rooting for Japan, who got second place. I should never root for the people whom I want to win you know, it's like with the World Cup - every single damn team I rooted for lost! Well, except for the Argentina vs. Germany match where Germany won. I supported Japan when they played against Brazil (mad I know), supported England when they played...whoever they played, supported Brazil in their losing match, supported Portugal when they played Germany, supported France when they played Italy...it's so depressing. I'm not rooting for anyone when it comes to World Cup 2010.

I just read that the new Miss Universe collapsed at a post-pagaent conference. So much for graceful.

Wala on saturday night was fun. Goldie didn't know that Project6Wings was twenty one. HAHAHAHAH, looks like you'd better start acting your own age. But the band seriously kicked ass, especially when they did Muse. Funny Indian Man screamed into the mic during the last song, and I was doing my best to not laugh. He was so over-enthusiastic it was hilarious.

The psychologist on Oprah is very strange. She's scary.

But anyhow, I have a test tomorrow so point form will do:

Miss X left really fast on Saturday!!! Nothing's happened...yet.
Whether Project6Wings goes to Thailand or not, remains unknown.
Project6Wings also bought his PSP.
Left, Right and X-ter have taken their places.

Kthxbye. I'm out.

2006-07-16T10:41:00.000+08:00

Remember Yesterday

Last week was a really bad week for me in total. leave got cancelled on thurs and friday. that was already bad enough as it is. on friday went down to Hendon Camp to report to Commando HQ. They sent me to Pasir Ris Camp (which is super ulu... 30 mins walk from the closest busstop). Next thing they told me was that i would be going to Thailand on 12 of August which is my 21st Birthday. however, the upper authorities still arent sure whether i'll be going or not. just praying that i wont have to. i would be missing Young Methodist Leader's Conference again if i go to Thailand. If you're reading this right now and like don't have some major grudge against me, please pray that i don't go to Thailand and that i get Basic Training Wing and not Advanced Training Wing. I dont mind working hard in my new camp, i'm gonna be working hard but i really don't want so much shit to happen to me.

You know that feeling of dread you get on a sunday during BMT when you know you gotta go back into Tekong? well, i'm feeling similar to that right now. just too many uncertainties and all waiting to surprise me in my new camp. One of those moments where you look back on your past and realise what a good life you had... and just wish you could fastforward time to get out of all this nonsense. I hope i'm up to the task ahead... that i wont screw up and piss off my superiors. looks like good relations with your superiors is very important in this camp. surrounded by a lot of staunch buddhists and hindus. Lord protect me.

2006-07-09T22:37:00.000+08:00

They digitally edited his what...?
watched Superman Returns today with Char... i'd give it 3 and a half stars. it wasnt fantastic, but at least it wasnt as much of a letdown as X3. Bryan Singer's good when it comes to these comic movies. The only thing that held the whole movie back was the restrains of what Superman can do, and has done. it's nothing new... same old same old. he beats the crap out of everything till he comes in contact with Kryptonite. it was a bit draggy in the beginning too. oh well, i guess i wont really really enjoy a superman movie unless it's abt him fighting doomsday. that'll be interesting. but tt's just me. Spoiler warning. Giving him a son with Lois Lane was a tad amusing, but all the kid did was hurl a piano at a baddie and act cute the whole way. oh well...

oh yes, miss X didnt come for yesterday's pot luck at mel's place. hah. so much for char's plan of getting me a gf so far. and for once we didnt all bring too much food. we finished everything. prob cos phen and i didnt cook this time round. headed to walas after the pot luck. i must say that shirlyn tan's voice is astounding... and the band is really tight. no wonder so many pple are so hyped abt the place. also, i realised that the pple that would win Sg Idol hands down are those pple who never join cos they cant be bothered... the Sg Idol contestants arent half as good as some of the pple i know imo. Even the best fellas in the competition are only so-so. they've got good voices but arent fantastic at all. shrugs. oh well, i shouldnt say so much since i croak in comparison to a lot of pple. Char thinks she can win Sg Idol if she joins though. haha

2006-07-04T21:47:00.000+08:00

So, the guest blogger speaks.

The bad thing about most guest bloggers is that they drop by, say something stupid along the lines of "Omg! I have your password! Hahahaha why don't you blog more often? I missch you!!!" but I assure you, I am more intelligent than that. Or, you know, so I'd like to think.

Recruit Lee (are you still a recruit? I suck with army ranking) gets bored in camp very easily, and messages me frequently about the dire state of his social life. Yes, army kills your social life. Thank God for Friendster. (Haha, I'm sorry, I really didn't know how else to put my point across because I don't even use the damn thing.)

But anyway, I am on a campaign to find Ian a girlfriend. Everyone in agreement, say aye. There's this girl, we shall call...X who is CUTE (not in my own words, mind you) and she plays touch rugby, she sings, and she plays the guitar. Now, now, where can we find a catch like that nowadays? Don't forget, she's CUTE as well, in addition to her sparkling resume of a very interesting combination of qualities. If I was lesbian, she seems like a good choice. But I'm not, and I have my eye on someone else right now, thank you very much. (L is for Lust)

Then again, I have no idea what's going to happen, because Mr. Project Six Wings says "see how". Saturday should come quick, so that I can see how.

Till then, watch this space.

XXXX,
Charissa

2006-07-03T22:56:00.000+08:00

Last few weeks of course

yes my CQMS course is coming to and end... trainee life almost over. i complained abt it a lot but it's gotta be the best time i'll have in the army cos there was no heavy responsibility for us other than just pass our tests. and that in itself wasnt even very heavy. they always pushed us to pass. not to mention, having Warrant Phua as Course Coordinator made life there a lot better. never have i, or will i find anyone that motherly in the SAF.

I'll officially be a Storemando in Hendon Camp soon. For Honour Glory and Saikang! yeah right. well, just hoping that life wont be miserable there. at least it's a stay out vocation. and bus 109 takes me straight home! 1 bus! and it just started last month. wahahaha. It's a blessing.

Of course the other thing i'm looking forward to is the pay raise, once i get my Corporal and 3rd Sergeant. i'm just itching to get a PSP. just wondering if it's really worthwhile getting it. it's super tempting now, but i know it's not a long term investment. i could be spending my money on better things... it's just that i need entertainment in camp whenever i get bored. Ranting buddy has been of great help though hah.

Tomorrow run in camp. 4.5km... fairly easy for me but i gotta wake up earlier than the usual. oh well... time to explore Z land. actually i dont explore much. it's usually all black.

2006-06-19T22:50:00.000+08:00

Nyargblegh (cant think of title)

yes it's been long since i last blogged... but there always comes the time where it's just good to dump it all here to fester by itself rather than in me. that and the fact that my ranting buddy's in Japan... zzz
so many people have gone overseas for holidays... happy days for them and just more depressing for me... heh. just realised that i've always had long holidays in the middle of the year and at the end, thanks to poly and even secondary school. Now in the army, it's just pretty much an abyss of work and work and work, with the light at the end of the tunnel very very far away from where i am right now. cant wait for a week where i can use my leave... perhaps young leaders conference. definitely looking forward to that.

i did something really difficult last week... and it's still stinging now. i did it even though a lot of pple think it was unnecessary and stupid... but i felt that it was only fair to do that and she appreciated it too i guess. it's gonna take some time to really get over her... but i've gotta. hopefully it really doesnt take too long. sigh.

and i cant lose weight!!!! in fact i just put on weight.... it's so darn annoying after running 5km, 4 times a week as well as going rock climbing... it just doesnt add up...
army's really sucking these few weeks. sucking more than usual cos we're stuck in camp for much longer hours. not to mention tomorrow we have another exercise mission. damn camo cream. hopefully this will be the last time i have to put it on. hopefully's the word.

2006-04-11T00:15:00.000+08:00

Holy Week

1 year ago i would be just starting my internship with Truthmin for the 1st time... it's been a year already. sigh i miss those days. just wish i could go back and do that for the rest of my life. Was looking back at my blog history over the past 2 years... reminiscing (is tt how it's spelled? NS makes ur spelling go down the drain) on the past... my days in poly, enjoying my holidays with Truthmin, then dreading studies in poly and the difficulties and frustrations i've gone through. A lot has happened. I thank God He's been faithful to me all this time despite all the trying and difficult circumstances. Giving me great friends from Third Place, opportunities to work with so many other people, and the things He's shown me after all this time. And in the end, it all boils back down to 2000 years ago when He died for us... if not for that, none of this would've been possible. Sure, i complain a lot about my current circumstances at times, but sometimes it's important just to get it off ur chest.

Now i need to get this off my chest.

The Emo nights have returned... i sleep 4-5 hrs a day now on weekdays cos i dont need much energy in camp during the day. so i usually spend my time chatting with friends, or playing games. the rest of the time is just spent in being emo... which is actually quite often... on the bus, at home, outside.... it happens once my mind isnt occupied by anything.

Went to watch Keeping Mum with Rachel yesterday night. very draggy movie... go rent the DVD only if u have nothing better to do. After the movie, we were talking abt BGR how all the "player" guys are the ones with the suave moves and just sweep a girl off her feet, only to drop her on the pavement later. whereas the guys that are sincerely nice and straightforward to a girl, always scare the girl before anything happens. hence the girl shuns the nice guy and always ends up with the guy that just wants to play around. But that would just be generalising. Though i do see that it's rather true, looking at past experiences as well as some other friends. True genuine good relationships are hard to come by i guess, even if 2 people would work out very nicely with one another, they probably scare each other off before really knowing each other well enough. I dunno, that's what i speculate at least. It's hard to make heads or tails of the whole matter... it's all abt the circumstances.

Emotions just get the better of you... But i can't imagine life without them.

I know her heart's with another, i know i should just be a good friend, cos that's all she really needs right now. My heart betrays my decisions, but since when was it ever about me? It's not and never will be... maybe i should just throw away my heart till i can't feel this anymore.

2006-03-29T23:51:00.000+08:00

It doesn't fail to amaze me...

actually managed to go for 714 today at third place. I told myself from last week that i would go, but somehow when i woke up today and realised that i had to run in camp (and hence be very very sweaty) and rush down from camp, and probably reach small group late, i started to think whether i should just go down next week rather than today, to avoid all the hassle.

it rained in the late afternoon. the run got cancelled. we were allowed to book out at 5.40 rather than the usual 6.00+. So i went to small group on time, and without getting all sticky and smelly. we're doing Disciple now... i did Disciple about 3-4 years ago, but i realised that God can still use it to speak to me.

today's topic was on Deliverence. About the Israelites Exodus out of Egypt into the Desert. we were discussing that it kinda seemed like out of the pan and into the fire... for 40 years they had to travel and survive in the desert, just to get to the promise land. I kinda drew a comparison that Tekong was sort of like Egypt for me, and now life in the unit is my time in the desert. It may seem dismal and dry from here on out, but He will provide and show me the way. At least my life in the army is not 40 years. heh

He also reminded me that just like Moses, He'll place us in circumstances where we think it's impossible. Yet at the same time He'll send aid and make sure we're never alone in His mission for us. He will make a way.

I also shouldn't complain all that much. He's given me so many things, like a good vocation, i get to book out everynight. It's like His provision of manna to the israelites in the desert. Yet, it's in our human nature to complain abt the circumstances. yeah, i tend to complain to friends that it's dead boring during lectures and all. Hence, i should complain less, and hopefully not at all.

He made sense of all these things to me today when i went for 714... He cleared my day, just so that i could go and be blessed by that time i spent in church. I would've missed so much if i had followed up on that feeling of not wanting to go for small grp cos of the hassle. truly amazing.

2006-03-28T21:26:00.000+08:00

Back To "School"

yeap... practically everyday is just lectures now... can get really really boring. worse than poly. at least back there we have the option of sleeping in the lecture or skipping a lesson (as long as we meet our attendance quota). started running with abner at night... if i don't, i'm gonna regain the 13 kg i lost... aaron just joined us tonight as well.

some picture of POP and field camp. i hate to admit this... but yeah, even though BMT life was shit in the beginning, we all really miss one another and the fun we had during BMT days. Dragon Platoon 1 Sect 3 forever....

After POP.
1st row from the left: Raffi, Leroy, Kummar, Feroz and me
2nd row from the left: Rizal, Matt,
Lester, Andy

Just about to leave Tekong for the last time.

from the left: Me, Keng Han, Jason, Andy.

End of Field Camp! (amazingly i went for FUSION 2006 on this exact same day)
Entire Section 3 with our Sect Comm 3SG Ilmi.

Bed 1: Rizal
Bed 2: Matthew
Bed 3: Siew Bo
Bed 4: Kummar
Bed 5: Raffino
Bed 6: Me
Bed 7: Feroz
Bed 8: Lester
Bed 9: Swee Sen
Bed 10: Andy
Bed 11: Weiliang
Bed 12: Leroy

2006-03-19T10:21:00.000+08:00

POP oh!

POP was on wednesday. Dad came down to see the parade, Mom couldn't make it. I guess in some ways, we're all happy we passed out from BMTC, yet at the same time you realise you've made bonds there with all your brothers in arms, and you're not gonna be able to see them all that much anymore once we all get posted to different units.

anyway, our posting came out on friday morning. I thank God He gave me a good vocation... I'm gonna be supervising transport and supply. going to sembawang camp to be trained 1st, starts tomorrow. At the end of the day, i'll still become a commander and get commander pay. some people got really really bad vocations, like rifleman or guardsman... chiong sua all the way.

finally got a short holiday from thursday till today... though i'm thankful that i actually have this leave, it's been so frustrating at times. I have no clue why, but seems like everyone is not free to go out, either that or they don't wanna go out. sigh, in one way or another, i'm stuck on my own to go to town or stuff like that. only people who i managed to find that were free as well were my army mates... and even they had their own appointments with other friends after that. just feeling very sian over the fact that i can rarely find friends to go out with. today gotta go town and buy stuff for a friend, as well as my own stuff. die die, even if i have to go all on my own, i'll be going downtown.

2006-02-26T19:51:00.000+08:00

ZzZzZz

screwed up my MDC audition on tuesday. Just before walking into the room, they said i would need to downgrade just to get into MDC. there's no chance for pes A or B people to get in. that basically crushed all my morale at that point. (i can downgrade, but just for the sake of getting into MDC, i dunno) So i went into that room and croaked rather than sing. anyway, after seeing the people there at MDC, i'm pretty sure that i wouldn't want to be there anyhow. It's scary how "gay" these people can be... or so cold. what's over is over, no point looking back.

everyday in camp is basically, sit around and slack now. with all the major events finished except for route march 16km and 24km, we practically sit around all day and play chess or watch movies in the annex room.
making this a short post cos i gotta book in soon once again. wednesday bookout because of A level results release. heh. guess i'll go for ash wednesday service. see how it goes.

2006-02-19T17:22:00.000+08:00

3 and a half more weeks

15th March POP. the past week in BMT have been slack. from late morn to early afternoon, all we do is sit in the bunk, go for lunch, and go back and sit in the bunk. Yet, even with all the slacking, they still insist on keeping us in till late afternoon on saturday because we have to "pay back" for an off day we had somewhere during CNY. oh well, next sat is another late bookout. 8 or 9pm after the asian aerospace is over. bah.

anyway, now that things are getting "easier" in that sense, i started to realise that i havent been clinging on to Him as much as before, like just as i entered BMT. everynight, once we get our "free time" i always look forward to turning on my handphone and smsing all my friends to talk or chat about stuff. but there are some nights were friends just dont reply because they're busy or something else...
i've been doing my quiet time off and on, maybe like once or twice a week. on tues night, i was reminded by Rachel that i should be doing my QT esp since i cant go for third place service as often anymore.
amidst all my anxiousness to talk to friends via sms and being disappointed that they dont respond at times, i failed to realise that i havent been talking to my biggest friend as much as i should be. so, my QT frequency has increased once i realised that. I try to make it a point to spend time with Him before i sleep.

Tuesday is Music and Drama Company Audition. I have to go down to Nee Soon camp to sing some songs and hope that they accept me into MDC. I really hope i do get into MDC. At least the skills that i learn there will be of benefit to me once i ORD. At the same time, feeling really really nervous about the whole thing. not entirely sure of what i'll sing or what i have to sing. and whether they will audition me for playing the guitar too.
I don't know if it's the Lord's calling. I hope it is... in the end, the result will be decided by Him. Is this my Tarshish or Nineveh? I don't know.

2006-02-05T16:37:00.000+08:00

The Grace we take for granted

was a short week in camp last week cos of CNY, but on thursday night, i got word from my platoon sergeant that i would be doing Guard Duty for Friday night, when the rest of the company would be booking out at 7pm, and going for excursion the next day at 8am in civillian attire. I would still need to go for the excursion after guard duty... argh
This guard duty was an extra, simply because i mis-fired a blank round during field camp. fatigue really gets to you after some time, and you dont think straight. i kinda expected the guard duty to come sooner or later, but i was hoping my platoon sergeant would forget about it. He didnt.

anyways, i managed to have a good time talking to a friend during guard duty. about religion, about beliefs, and the rest of the time just chatting randomly. Thankful once again that He gave me a chance to share what i believe in with another person in my platoon.

another thing that i reflected upon is that i really take grace for granted. especially in civillian life. growing up in a christian environment, i always had the understanding that i have forgiveness, regardless of whatever i do, with a small or no price to pay. through school, i always abided by rules, and never really broke any rules unless i was absolutely sure i wouldnt get caught, or that the punishment would be minimal. you could say that i'm not a risk taker.

now in NS, there are so many things that you can be punished for. i'm fine with the small punishments like push-ups. but things like guard duty just simply sucks. for the whole week after the mis-fire i was just hoping that i would get away with it scot-free.

NS is very much like God's law He put in place straight from the beginning. no matter, how much we try and try, sooner or later we find ourselves being not up to the standard that's been set. The difference is God's grace. NS has taught me not to take His grace for granted. The real world is still un-forgiving, and i appreciate His grace all the more now.

2006-01-31T16:06:00.000+08:00

Happy CNY

forgive the generic topic.
5 day weekend, out of tekong... it went by so fast. somehow i wish i could've spent it better, like maybe i could've crammed in more things to do. Then again, i doubt i could have done that. Time outside of tekong is very precious, you just wish it would go on forever.

Day 1 - bookout, slack in front of the com till dinner. went for dinner with my parents
Day 2 - slack in the morning till lunch. met weili louis and aaron to play LAN at Tampines. saw Temasek Poly along the way and for a moment, wished i was back there. But then i realised if i was back there, i would still have to go through NS. bummer... back home for a simple dinner and more stoning in front of the com
Day 3- church in the morning. arrived to hear some english song being sung to the tune of a chinese new year song. like urgh goosebumps... sorry. went to jon's house for lunch. went home for popiah dinner.
Day 4- slacked till after lunch, met Mark D in town to catch up. Met Jon, Joel, Steph and Dave to play LAN, then back to Jon's for dinner. then to Leroy's place for a drink and tour of his 2 storey bedroom. Back home to finish assignment by 2am
Day 5 - lunch at Terri's place. just got back.

like i said, i did quite a few things, but i slacked a lot... that time slacking could've been spent with other pple/friends. oh well. i shouldnt complain.

I've come to an understanding that some pple arent happy with me and the way i talk, that i tend to be discouraging in my comments about things in the worship team. mr. passerby, i'm not 100% sure of who you are, but you're most probably from Trinity. This is taking into account that the 3rd place band has tagged back, and the fact that Truthmin think you're just being malicious.
Whatever the case, i don't understand what i have done wrong against you and hope that maybe one day you will let me know. If it is about me "discouraging" pple all the time, i apologise and i'll just shaddup from now on. havent said anything for a very long time and wont anymore in future.

Back to tekong in 2 hours.

2006-01-15T14:32:00.000+08:00

Limbo
in a state of mixed feelings and reasonings. i really really hate NS life, most of the time, everday is a drag. yet at the same time i cant really say that i have much to complain about because i have plenty to be thankful for.
e.g: i'm supposed to be confined for field camp next weekend and FUSION 2006 is on the 21st (saturday). so i couldn't go, and Mark asked me to sing also. Due to some miracle, our field camp is shortened and we get to book out on sat evening 6pm. just in time for me to make it for Fusion. so thankful for that. also, we all get halal combat rations for food camp which all taste a heck of a lot better than regular chinese combat rations.
yet despite all these things that God has blessed me with, i cant seem to be happy day to day in camp. i'm always filled with a sense of dread and "what on earth am i doing here?!". and also i busted my knee again from the old injury last year during overnight rollerblading.

there are a lot of things to think about... like "should i downgrade?" make my life easier and get posted to a slack position? what if i get a crap posting in future? like combat medic or rifleman?
i dont want to face this misery everyday for the next 2 years.

It really sucks to know what you want to do for the rest of your life and not be able to do it and have to suffer for 2 years 1st. so many uncertainties to deal with in these 2 years. i just want it to fly by and be over and done with.

sometimes i think i tire myself out more by thinking so much.... my body aint suffering as much as my mind. (well other than my knee injury). i'm not looking forward to field camp. gonna suck quite a lot.

Losing a life to protect it...

2005-12-17T23:43:00.000+08:00

Welfare Dragon

Recruit S J Lee has enlisted into BMTC1 Dragon Coy.
Yup, it's National Service for me... it's not exactly a walk in the park... the days there are really dreary at times... being in there just makes me realise how much i love the outside world with all my friends... how much i miss working at Truthmin... how much i miss my family. If i would be allowed to book out every night, i wouldnt mind Army at all... training is ok, military training like M16 stuff is fine... only thing i hate is the tekaning and area cleaning. i just wish i could be more in touch with family and friends.

Other than that, i can say that God has been good to me... enlisting in Dec would be better than March cos of all the holidays (xmas, new year, hari raya, CNY)... also, my company is known to be quite "welfare" meaning that they really take care of their recruits.... we're allowed to bring in radio... guitar... vcd to watch at night (if got time) etc... and most of the big kahunas in the company are 40-50 yr old men who are quite fatherly to some degree... I'm sleeping on bed 6... bed 1-5 have all taken status in the past 2 weeks.... meaning they couldnt participate in physical activities for a period of time... i'm sick too but still able to do stuff pretty well...

too many things to say about army life... and quite sick about talking about it all the time... i just wanna go back to my old life (duh)... oh well.... like Reg always said.... think about what Christ had to endure.... it's a heck of a lot worse than what i'm going through.... at the end of the day, i always have the assurance of Christ... i just need to find that strength..

2005-11-29T07:58:00.000+08:00

Someone just shoot me

why the heck did i do something so stupid? i don't know... the signs were there... people already warned me... yet i still wanted to try... but the way it all ended was just so incredibly stupid of me. i should've known that i just dont stand a damn chance.

woke up at 5 this morning. slept at 2. too many things going through my mind. NS in 3 days. crud. turned on the tv this morning to MTV and realised that the reason why pple like james blunt sell a single so well is because of things like this that happen.

"Because that's what people do. They leap, and hope to God they can fly"

2005-11-03T00:57:00.000+08:00

Another one of those nights

babble post... just wanna blurt this out. somehow nights seem to have a very emo effect on me... i tend to think negatively quite a lot...

anyway, liking someone is definately a very natural thing that humans do... duh... it's just part of us... God made us to be attracted to the opposite sex. yet i cant help but think the risk of liking someone is too high to handle at times... too many times has it happened with a bad ending... ok maybe not really bad, just disappointing....
guess i would say i've been "turned down" too many times already to want to take risk anymore. Yet there is no choice but to face risk in these things.

I think i've "liked" about 7 girls since i think sec 1.... i cant help but think sometimes that i'm like one really helpless loser... i dont know many guys who have liked 7 girls and can say they've never gotten into a relationship before... it means i take a relationship very seriously, yes... but at the same time i wonder whether it's ok for me to have liked so many girls.... what does it mean when the next one comes along, and i say i like her? i've said that with the past 7 girls and that don't matter.... so what matters?

what happens one day when i do get into a relationship (if that ever happens) and i have to tell her how many girls i've liked in my entire lifespan.... like gee.... tt's not a small number... i think.

what's worth putting on the line? when is it worth risking it? i dont know when i stand a chance and when i dont... there've been times where i was so sure it was mutual... it may have been... i still dunno up to now...

it's just frustrating and annoying that it cant be more straight forward....

end of with the famous phrase: "i've been hurt too many times to try anymore"... but yet another part of me still wants to try.

2005-11-01T19:32:00.000+08:00

Return from the dead part 2
ok... not really dead... been pretty much alive the past 1 and 1/2 months after my exams... but cant say much for a months time.... NS calls... and i thought i had at least till mardh before i go in... been interning with Truthmin again ever since my exams end... somehow or another i only spend about 2 and 1/2 months everytime i intern.

yeah... anyhow... i'm updating because certain pple have been bugging me to update... *cough* melody *cough*.... so here i am in the 3rd place cafe blogging while everyone is playing pool and watching constantine.

30 more days left to cherish before i go in... oh well... got ONE camp coming up and i'm doing games... this year there's 8 people in games comm not including me... so grateful for that... hopefully everything will be a blast.

2005-07-25T00:19:00.000+08:00

Return from the Dead

yes, finally got my butt back down to blog... even though i should be sleeping now, since i have to wake up at 6... but heck... might as well...
just got back from YMM dinner... was pretty fun.... laughed a whole lot mostly at each other.

God's been gracious... for once in my whole history in poly, i cleared all my term tests without failing even one... OS:72/100 InternetResearch:24/40 and Dcode:82/100... really thank Him not for just clearing my papers, but also giving me good marks... i don't know how i did it...

Most of my teaching notes have been cleared as well over the past week... and my Major Project Coding has come together, many many many many many thanks to Jaesson Yeo....
Hopefully the rest of the term will be smooth sailing too.

I miss working at Truthmin with the rest... as well as Mark who's gone into NS.... definately reminiscent of the days working there. Good news is that i'm probably gonna go intern with them again once i'm done with my final exams in september... only 1 and 1/2 more months to go...

last Sunday was Youth Sunday too, co-lead worship with Joy... though there were bumps and stuff along the way... everything worked out very well in the end... band was tight and i really felt that we worshipped God while playing last Sunday. Today some uncle in church came up to me and said "your voice very good... 1st time seeing you play guitar and sing at the same time... i think you can make it in Country Western or Country Gospel music" like o_O.... wrong idea dude... haha... i just thought the whole thing was quite funny.

time for me to kun.... will update in the near future hopefully.

2005-06-07T11:36:00.000+08:00

It's been fun...

WAM camp is over... and it was really very good in one way or another... different from last year's camp, though i thought last year's was better... anyway, on this time round, i didnt go on the basis of to be taught, but to help out and help teach... and i must say, in more than just one way i've learnt many things... mostly guitar stuff, but also what the Lord wants me to know.

my finger callouses have gotten harder after playing for 6 worships in 3 days consecutively, as well as practice and teaching sessions... my fingers were in a constant state of numbness... ok first came the state of stinging pain, then came the numbness. I learnt quite a few things from Jono even though he was teaching the rest and not me... his teaching and teaching style is very much different from Mark M, who has been teaching me here and there.

Playing with the rest of the band was good experience for me as a guitarist... i realised that i was holding the band back in quite a few ways... but i always had to remind myself that it was all for God... not for the band, so i just tried my best. But it has left me with a resolve to practice more and practice harder.... also since now i have my new wife... hah. Now to hook her up with a good plugin... once i sell my other guitar...

I came home on saturday night after the camp and Mark D's gig... really really down and bummed... and to add to the grief, my mom didnt give her blessings on my new wife... and the lecture on "so much money?!" came into the picture.... oh well... i was really on the verge of breaking down in my room that night... and i prayed... "Lord, why must life be so full of crap? why can't we have the good things all the time?" I kinda knew the answer was to mould us and make us better people.... but I couldnt accept it at that time.
Then i opened up the daily bread after that and He really spoke and not in the way i was expecting it to be... "This is the day that the Lord has made".
Yeah.... He's already mapped out all these things.... The day is HIS, not mine... He's in control... i have no control... that kinda put my heart at rest... The Lord has plans for me not to harm me but to prosper me, even though at times i don't see it. I didn't want to face sch at first, but now i think it will be better facing it now that i know He's holding me in His palm.

anyway, Mark D's gig on saturday night was pretty awesome too... and to da man who is going into NS on saturday... take care man... u've really been God's instrument in many ways... from the way people have responded to you knowing that you're going into NS, you can tell that He has used you powerfully. Take care bro... always knowing that He's there.... wun die one... you can do it with His strength.

ok another song that i think is really meaningful, and puts things in a different light from the norm... Kudos to Mark again for passing me the songs... Big Daddy Weave is good stuff... go look it up.

Lately I've been busy thinkin'
And this is what's been on my mind
It seems like all I do is work for You, Lord
But I feel empty on the inside
I know that work is an important part
Oh but this is also true
My dilemma is an issue of the heart
When I try to live for you without you

I don't need to try to be The flawless example
Lifted up for everyone to see
I don't need to stand and shout it " Hey I've got the answer!"
If your presence is living in me
I won't need to talk about it In a church committee
For the world to know the truth
All I need to do is just be me
Being in love with you

I've been spending all my time
And all my efforts trying to make you proud of what you see
But to my great surprise I have realized
Nothing that I do can change your love for me

I don't need to try to be The flawless example
Lifted up for everyone to see
I don't need to stand and shout it " Hey I've got the answer!"
If your presence is living in me
I won't need to talk about it In a church committee
For the world to know the truth
All I need to do is just be me
Being in love with you

~Big Daddy Weave

2005-05-28T23:52:00.000+08:00

Episode Twee...

ok, so went to see Episode 3 today with Stephen, Jo, Mel and Mike...
I must say that it was definately better than 1 and 2, and i cant say much about 4,5 and 6 because i wasnt born in that era when those movies really had impact. But i must say i definately enjoy the light saber duels a lot more in 1 2 and 3.

Anyway, the movie was really dark and all and really cool in many ways, but the thing that really hit me the most was definately Anakin and the whole Jedi council issue. Strangely enough, i guess i felt really a lot like Anakin in regards to the Jedi Council. The whole frustration and everything, i could understand it. But for one, i definately hope and am pretty sure that i wont turn to the Dark Side... haha...

Beats me on what i should be doing now really... Jacob's talked to me lately telling me that i gotta do newer and more challenging things now, and it sounds like it involves me leaving ministry in certain areas. To me, for me to leave right now actually sounds good in certain aspects. I wont have to deal with the frustration of trying to run things even though so many stupid things get in my way... mostly dealing with power issues. I can actually concentrate on doing other things if i do it... Yet at the same time, one or two say i should stay, that i am needed.

sigh... i shouldnt think so much.... and it's time for me to hit the sack.

2005-05-25T10:22:00.000+08:00

wednesday morning thingy

1.How many beds are there in your room? uh... 1... i think
2.Is there a fan or an aircon? both
3.Are they functioning? yes
4.Do u use em' everyday? yes
5.Is there a stereo? it's pathetic, but yes
6.Any musical instruments in your room? my bass, my yamaha acoustic... and soon to have my garrison G4 by the end of this week =D
7.Wad do peoples comment abt ur room? "where do i step?"
10.Do u love your room? it's ok... could do with a tv and a computer inside
11.Is your room scary? uh.... hazardous yes, scary no
12.Is there a full-length mirror? yea
13.Are there wardrobes? yea
14.what's under your bed? we do not speak of it that lives under the bed... the dustbunnies are secretive creatures.
15.what's your bedsheet color? i think dark green
16.Is there soft toy on your bed? nope
17.Do u have posters on your bed? on my bed? har?
18.Are your walls full of posters? 1 poster... it's keith haring... the quicksilver poster is on the floor
19.When u lie down on your bed,u look up...whatcan u see? ceiling, lights, fan...
20.Is ur room messy? i guess you call it that... but messy's just a bit harsh, i'd rather go with kinda disorganised with quite a few random things here and there.

2005-05-22T22:09:00.000+08:00

pbbtt... school

oh well, there goes my holidays... 9 weeks... just in the blink of an eye.
this has to be the most enjoyable school holidays i've ever had... working at truthmin all this time. I just felt so in place... that i was doing what i am meant to do for the rest of my life. As much as i would want to do this for the rest of my life, i still need to get poly and NS out of my way first.
At least i have no school on wednesdays... i can go down to 3rd place and study there and still hang out with the guys. 14 weeks isnt very long... must get through it quickly.

ok... nothing much to talk about really... except next week i go buy my new wife.... http://www.garrisonguitars.com/g4.html
finally decided on this. so for the time being, until i get my pay, she will remain my fiance. Unless someone marries her 1st. =P

Also... i did the Truthmin website. not very professional... but it's ok...
www.truthmin.com it's still being updated here and there though.

xiaorong: see how. Monday i have lesson at 8am so cant run. Tuesday i only go school at 2pm... so will wake up late. Wednesday no school so wake up late again. thurs and friday think can... haha...

ok tt's all from here... signing out... note to self: watch episode 3 soon

2005-04-24T21:00:00.000+08:00

the answer after all this time

got to church at 8.25 today, expecting to be late for the prayer meeting that the YMMs were having. went in and only saw Eugenia sitting there alone. So we ended up praying together for awhile for YM and stuff. Then we still had some time left, so she talked to me and asked me how i've been feeling.. so apparently somehow or another, word got out that i was wondering why all my peers were selected as YMMs and i wasnt. Then Eugenia proceeds to say sorry for not thinking about my feelings etc, and that they didnt follow up with me after that. So i shouldn't feel discouraged and that they still want me to play a role. then somewhat after that, she mentioned briefly why i wasnt chosen, which is that the YMMs felt that i wasn't really into reaching out to the younger youth in YM and i was only focused on the worship team people like Jaesson, who were older.

So, in the end, it is true... they did see something wrong with me in comparison with everyone else. After all this time i finally have the brief answer to why i wasnt asked to be a YMM. And after all this time, i still don't understand. I'm gonna sound very insecure when i say this, but is that really how i come across to people? only intereseted in Worship Team and not interested in the younger youth? back then? Eugenia did say that the YMMs have seen a change in me over the year. That now i have shown more interest in nurturing the younger youth.

Come to think about it, maybe they have a point... i was seen as someone who didnt look to form bonds with the younger youths... so that is/was my weakness? that was the only reason why i wasnt chosen as YMM? that only? is there more? my peers dont have their own weaknesses? where do i stand right now?

back to square one i think... sheesh... but once again i reiterate... i am not desperate to be YMM, i just think it's a benchmark of how people see you.

been talking to Mark and Reginald during my internship at Truthmin. They too ask me how i feel for not being in leadership. Not to mention Pastor Alvin asked me whether i see my ministry more at Third Place or TMC...

The doors to so many of my ministries in TMC have closed. I was head for Projection Team for service, but now the church leadership would rather have the adults do it. The way i wasnt able to make it for Youth Camp last year, which led me to me going to Third Place and eventually ONE camp. The Worship Team being put on probation (again)... No vacancy at TMC for an intern during my holidays, and how Reginald offered me to intern at Truthmin at the exact same day i realised that. I'm perplexed.. for lack of a better word... Where on earth am i supposed to be?! Am i making excuses for myself? Am i being played about with? sigh

anyway, it's been 5 weeks of internship. and i just realised that i dont have only 3 weeks left. i actually have 4 weeks left. only found that out when i was looking at my phone calendar today. So a little more happy about that fact. Next weekend is Third Place church camp... gonna be fun and really looking forward to it.

gonna sign off with this song sung by David Crowder: Deliver Me

Deliver me out of the sadness
Deliver me from all the madness
Deliver me courage to guide me
Deliver me Your strength inside me

All of my life
I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like You
Now that You're here
Now that I've found You
I know that You're the One to pull me through

Deliver me loving and caring
Deliver me giving and sharing
Deliver me this cross that I'm bearing
Oh, deliver me

Jesus, Jesus how I trust Thee
How I've proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Deliver me
Come and pull me through
Come pull me through

2005-04-09T00:21:00.000+08:00

3rd week of internship

3 weeks already... it's really just zipped past. i wish it would move more slowly. i'm enjoying myself and learning a lot. Although it's been really really tiring, it's a really enriching experience. seeing how people in full-time interact with one another. how things are done etc...
only 5 weeks left... sigh... then back to TP for my last semester in poly. gosh i cant wait to finish poly and army... then really get myself involved in full-time ministry.

havent been running at all lately... hopefully my knee recovers by monday... i roller bladed 40km with 40 people from 3rd place. busted my knee 1/2 way thru the night.

ok brain kinda dead right now... leading worship tomorrow at 3rd place... better rest soon...

another thingy:

( ) snuck out of the house
(X) gotten lost in your city
( ) seen a shooting star
( ) had a serious surgery
(X) gone out in public in your pajamas
( ) kissed a stranger
( ) hugged astranger
(X) been in a fist fight
(X) Had alcohol
(X) laughed and had milk, coke or water etc come out of your nose
( ) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
(X) been in love
(X) been close to love
( ) been to a casino
( ) been skydiving
(X) broken a bone (finger bone counts?)
( ) skinny-dipped
(X) skipped school
( ) flashed someone
( ) saw a therapist
(X) played spin the bottle
( ) gotten stitches
(X) drank a whole gallon of water in one hour
(X) bitten someone
( ) been to Disneyland
( ) gotten the chicken pox
( ) kissed a member of the same sex
( ) crashed into a friend's car
( ) been to Japan
(X) ridden in a taxi
(X) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back.
( ) stolen something from your job
( ) gone on a blind date
(X) lied to a friend
( ) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated mardi-gras
(X) been to Europe
( ) slept with a co-worker
( ) been married
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children
( ) seen someone die
( ) had a close friend die
( ) been to Africa
( ) Driven over 400 miles in one day
( ) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(X) Been on a plane
( ) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) Thrown up in a bar
( ) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(X) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been snowboarding
(X) Met someone in person from the internet
( ) lost a child
(X) gone to college / poly
( ) graduated college / poly
( ) done hard drugs
( ) tried killing yourself
( ) fired a gun
( ) purposely hurt yourself
( ) taken painkillers
( ) miss someone right now

very few Xs...

ok last thing before i kun... http://www.larrivee.com/data/products/guitars/LV-03E/LV-03e.htm

a guitar that i saw the other day... costs 1500... need to save up to buy it... it sounds really good...

2005-03-25T00:41:00.000+08:00

Holy Week

well, i went for the interview on monday and now i've been interning there for almost 1 week now. it's been really interesting and fulfilling being able to do all these things. preparing for worship and events. But at the same time it's really really tiring. everyday i get home, wiped out... i dont even have the energy to wake up at 6.20 every morning to run anymore. hopefully next week i'll start running again. tomorrow's good friday... well actually today since it's 12.40am... have to lead worship for 3rd place service tomorrow. Not 100% prepared yet... not as prepared as i usually am by now.

gonna end off this post with this song i heard at the set we put up for Geylang Methodist School this morning... Nobody else really could go this far for us. Humans will always fail one another, but He's always that great constant who will never change, and never fail us.
go look up the song... it's by third day.. really really nice... can just feel your heart wrench everytime i hear it.

Love Song

I've heard it said that a man would climb a mountain
Just to be with the one he loves
How many times has he broken that promise
It has never been done
Well I never climbed the highest mountain,
but I walked the hill of Calvary

Just to be with you I'd do anything
There's no price I would not pay
Just to be with you I'd give everything
Oh I'd give my life away

And I've heard it said that a man would swim the ocean
Just to be with the one he loves
All of those dream are empty motion
It has never been done
Well I've never swam the deepest ocean,
but I've walked upon the raging sea

Just to be with you I'd do anything
There's no price I would not pay
Just to be with you I would give everything
I would give my life away

And I know that you don't understand the fullness of my love
How I died upon the cross for your sins
And I know that you don't realize how much that I give you
And I promise I would do it all again

Just to be with you I've done everything
There's no price I did not pay
Just to be with you I gave everything
Yes I gave my life away
I gave my life away
Just to be with you

2005-03-21T09:57:00.000+08:00

hor-lee-daysss

yup, finally another semester is over.... internship semester was okay... it was boring here and there, but i had a lot of time after school and on the weekends to do stuff... probably one of the more enjoyable semesters in poly.

now, i'm like sitting at home, when about 7 days ago, i would be sitting in a lab. At 10.30, i'm gonna go get ready and go down to 3rd place. Feeling REALLY nervous about it. gonna be interviewed for a position at Truthmin as an intern. Mark M already said that i would most likely be taken on, but i don't know what to expect of the interview. Like clueless. But this is a job that i would really really like to do... I just don't wanna say anything and screw up later.

On another note, i busted my thumb while bowling the other day. can't really hold a pick comfortably now... gotta look into practicing my guitar more often now that i have the time during my holidays. and then of course, there's bass...

gtg, adios

2005-03-16T11:33:00.000+08:00

Nerd Quiz

Jae got 95... was expecting a 100 out of him

2005-03-16T07:19:00.000+08:00

song

My will is no one else's but Your's O Lord
My desire is to please You day to day
Forever i will say
Forever i will proclaim
Your Name above all other Names

I will stretch my wings out wide
and believe I can fly
No longer stand on sinking sand
but have endless possibilities
Because I have You
Because I have You
Because I have You in my life.

suppose i'll call it "stretch my wings"....
havent written anything that "complete" in about a year... i usually end up with a chorus and get stuck on writing the verse.... think i'm prob gonna scrap the rest of the stuff... can't seem to get anywhere with it...

then again i have this really bad habit of hating whatever i wrote after i finish writing it, and after i've played it about 5 times through.... sigh... this one is no exception, i think it sounds like crap now... don't know if i'll be able to write something that i really really like.

anyway, holidays coming up soon.... requesting to intern at Truthmin during my hols... hopefully they will confirm with me by tomorrow... tired... mom's back from canada... so at least i dun need to cook everynight anymore.

2005-02-22T14:58:00.000+08:00

Terri don't like LTA...
was talking to terri while i was in school, then i told her i was stuck with my project cos she said i was slacking and chatting on msn.

terri: ugh..
terri: tell me abt it
terri: im stuck in a rut for my essay too
-Ian-: it's an essay
terri: so??
terri: its counted
-Ian-: i'm stuck with trying to find a way to retrieve data from the root flash file to the parent flash file, so that i can display it and upload it into a node under a folder
-Ian-: you?
terri: im trying to see how i can sue LTA and compare previous law to the current one
terri:TO EACH HIS OWN
-Ian-: i understood what u were tlaking abt
-Ian-: u understand what i was talking abt?
terri: OEI! not fair

hmm i can probably get terri into trouble by forwarding what she said to LTA.... just a thought. haha

2005-01-31T13:46:00.000+08:00

brainless...

feeling quite brainless right now... just bored in school... i should be spending more time on my project but i cant seem to find the codings that i need online. I'm an idiot at coding when it comes to making something from scratch. Ask me to edit something, probably can... start from scratch... errr.... duh....

anyway, it was a pretty interesting week. met up with Jacob last monday to discuss with him on how i felt etc... somehow he got the idea that i wanted to leave TMC and go to Wesley or something like that. I was thinking of just going to Wesley for a short time to observe the ministries there, and whether they do face the same problems as we do in Youth Ministry. Not completely leave TMC. back to the topic, Jacob talked to me on focus with 1 Peter 5. About making disciples because i want to, not because i have to.... i admit, i have been doing stuff in TMC YM because i have to, or i impose it upon myself to be there because nobody else seems to be taking up the responsibility. In other words, i found myself doing things out of duty.
He also talked about how i've been concentrating so much on ministry, and i haven't realised that i need to be looking at what runs the ministry. I got so into doing things in ministry, that i forgot that i still need to disciple. If i haven't done that, then the ministry lacks purpose. The ministry is there for leaders to disciple others and to get others into participation of the ministry. If i dont look into discipling, then i'm gonna be stuck in a never-ending cycle of seeing nobody else take up responsibilities in the ministries.

when i first talked to Jacob about me wanting to do full-time ministry back when i had just finished my Os, i remember sitting with Jacob at a coffeeshop... and he told me that before i consider going to theological college or go full-time, find 3 disciples and nurture them. Just 3.
I remember realising that it wasn't so easy... that people at that point of time didn't respect me enough to let me disciple them. That's why i looked into constantly improving myself as a christian. Am i mature enough, such that people respect me now? i don't know. maybe i'm not at that stage yet, maybe i am. I hope i realise the truth soon.

One of the reasons why i felt disappointed with myself is because ALL the other youth my age, from Terri to Abner have gone ahead to become youth mentors, except for me. That's why i asked myself whether i was doing the right things, whether i truly am searching to serve God in every aspect of my life. I don't know what the mentors' reasons are in not selecting me to become a youth mentor. I can't judge their decision. But i can't help but feel incompetent because of that. The thing that made me feel better was Jacob telling me to seek God's favour and not man's favour. Maybe i just need to ignore my desire to be acknowledged by man. Yet at the same time, i want to know whether i have found God's favour.

Yesterday, we had a prayer for the church leaders, including all the Youth Mentors. I sat there as the rest stood and went up to the front, and it still hurt me... i am human... i still do desire man's approval... i have to change.

2005-01-24T11:42:00.000+08:00

Trapped in Genjutsu

Fusion was amazing, another one of those experiences that i will always remember for a long time to come. come to think of it, now i feel like something's missing in my schedule now that there arent any more practices or any anticipation of any event. Sure it may be tiring, but it is definately worth the energy.

I'm quite lost now... not sure what i have to do next. so many ifs and whats and uncertainties. After my dad told me about what someone commented yesterday, i suddenly feel i've been in an illusion this whole time, and i'm wondering if i'm still in it.
Have i not done anything? Where do i stand? Am I who I want to be? not even close to it?
All my time in so many different ministries and i'm still seen as a kid who's spoilt? Is that what people really see me as? What have i been doing all this time? Have i been doing the wrong things? It almost seems as if all i've done up to now have no significance.

The thing that really annoys me is that this comment is apparently coming from church leaders. My dad says that i'm being treated like this because i'm his son and he's in the church leadership. You can literally see that none of the other church leader's children are so involved in ministry as i am, and that gives me no space to check whether i really am being picked on or not. I'd like to think that i'm not being picked on, that i'm being treated the same as every other youth around. But up till now, it all points in that direction. why me?

Now apparently, i'm going to be given more responsibilities because i said that it was hard for me to serve in TMC because doors were closed to me. But i dont want to take up these responsibilities just because my dad told the other church leaders i said that. If they were to give me more responsibilties now, it would be like chucking work to me and telling me "let's see you do better" and i don't wanna do that.

I'm really frustrated with myself with what i've been doing all this time and confused to what i should be doing now. I don't want to be seen as someone who's being spoilt in ministry.

2005-01-14T23:45:00.000+08:00

Not Tight.
It's just not tight... too many extra things here and there that are not subtle to compliment the worship, they just make extra noise that collides. out of duty... i dunno... i sound judgemental now... i miss playing guit.
Fusion Practice tomorrow... as well as 3rd Place service. something to look forward to.
lights out.

2005-01-11T15:05:00.000+08:00

i'm bored... so sue me...

I made a Quiz for you! Take'>http://www.quizyourfriends.com/yourquiz_IM.php?quizname=050111014846-154377">Take my Quiz! and then "Check'>http://www.quizyourfriends.com/scoreboard.php?quizname=050111014846-154377">Check out the Scoreboard!

2005-01-09T00:13:00.000+08:00

Magnets

been a hectic day. had Fusion practice this morning, then went for 3rd place service then went to Jae's house for his birthday party.

Fusion practice was good. I think the choir is getting tighter since we're getting to know one another better even though we come from so many different churches. I'm once again really happy that God let me do something like this on such a large scale again. Even though i may be playing only a small role in this, i still simply enjoy being with my other methodist brothers and sisters and doing all these things for His glory.

(Publicity: Fusion 2005 - 22 Jan2005 (sat), 7.30pm, Wesley Methodist Church/Wesley Hall. Don't miss it! and don't be late!)

Today at 3rd place service, Rev Norman talked, and he mentioned about from birth, we've had a conscience, like a magnet that tell us what is wrong or right. he never really elaborated on that matter. But it got me thinking. Our lives are like magnets, from our child-like innocence we knew what is wrong and what is right because God created us in His likeness. And through life, as we take each day step by step, our "magnets" tend to get dropped, thrown, tossed about and hurt. Which of course will mean that our "magnets" will get demagnetised.
A compass can't really tell North and South after it's been dropped over and over. The same way, we won't be able to tell between wrong and right in our lives. The only way for us to maintain the correct perspective/magnetism is to be in constant contact with the true magnet that never changes. That's God. He's the only thing that will help us make the right decisions in life no matter how bad the situation may be. True, it may really hurt in life at times, but He only wants us to become stronger magnets, that we too can touch others and bring them to Him. Have we kept in constant contact with God? or have we moved away from Him and decided to change direction and point our own way?
I can't say I've constantly been in touch with Him, but i want to, even though i can forget about Him at times.

Jae's party was sortof like Amsterdam. round one corner you see youths playing the guitar and singing worship songs. around the other corner you see pple smoking and drinking. ok lah Amsterdam more extreme.

I'm sorry that maybe i put you in a position where you felt uncomfortable and pressured to say something you probably didn't mean. hope you're ok.

2005-01-07T23:49:00.000+08:00

why does this always happen?

i dont gettit really... if u can pls enlighten me. i can't do anything about it i suppose.
somehow or another, today really really sucked. argh... i shouldnt even be like this.
too tired to think anymore.

2005-01-07T08:59:00.000+08:00

thinking too much

went for fusion choir practice on tuesday night and then 7/14 at 3rd place on saturday night. i think my ministry scope has gone past TMC, i have quite a lot of things i'm involved with outside of TMC. especially 3rd place, so much so that pastor Alvin asked me on wednesday night if my pastors are fine with me constantly being at 3rd place for service and small group and everything. I guess i would have to talk with pastor Kai Ming and Jacob whether i should be doing these things. I just really feel comfortable and at home with 3rd place now. Not that i'm negelecting TMC, i'm still involved with the ministries there as well. It's just that i feel that i'm not being used in several areas in where i wanna serve, the chances arent given and the support isnt there when u wanna start a new project. not to mention the amount of problems. sigh.

Fusion is gonna be great, really looking forward to it and the practices. sometimes i wish i could play with the band, but it's a wesley band, so i'll stay in my line. (the rhythm guitarist seems a lot more competent than me anyway). Mark D and Joshua are playing drums and bass respectively again.

I'm actually doing some work in school now in my internship... doing up the interface as we speak... flash is kinda fun once u start to venture into it... but i'm definately still very noobish with it.

on another issue, i think i'm thinking too much. looking at things pessimistically. i tend to do this often in these situations. i dunno... do u still like me?

2005-01-03T09:42:00.000+08:00

2005

ok this is becoming a monthly update from me nowadays. it's the new year, well 1st working week of the new year... and it sucks as it usually does. i'm now in my com lab alone, cos my 2 groupmates decided to call in sick today. well i think 2004 was a great year by several things. like how i started going back to gym early last year (stopped again now)... then participated in the strongman competition. then church camp at port dixon. then CAM camp at 3rd place, then Young Methodist Leaders conference at sofitel in Sept. then holidays spent at 3rd place, then ONE camp and all. It's really been amazing. quite frankly, i dunno why i'm feeling so down. but then again, i think i know why as well.

yup, definately missing you.

2004-12-06T18:56:00.000+08:00

ONE

ok, i will begin this post which should be relatively rather long with this: ONE CAMP WAS AWESOME!
in comparison to the young methodist leaders conference this year, i think it had quite an opposite effect on me. YMLC really charged me full of energy and was really reaffirming for me as a methodist. ONE camp on the other hand completely drained me and at the same time was really really rewarding. I was running around like a mad worker ant for the 1st 3 days of the 5 day camp, then come the 4th day, i fell sick. To see so many methodist youths from so many different churches and schools, bond together and worship together and play together, it was just amazing. Furthermore, since i was in the camp comm, i felt so much satisfaction from all the really hard work we put into the camp.

the 1st 3 days were really hectic for me... with all the games and activities we had, i was tied down and running around for almost 8-10 hours everyday. On the 3rd day, i was already feeling that the whole aspect of me being able to help so much in this camp was one of the most rewarding experiences in my life.
And to top the 3rd day off, the Truthmin people asked me to play guitar with them for worship, like 1/2 an hour just before worship because Mark M wasnt gonna play that night. It's seriously a dream come true for me to play with these guys. I entertained the thought of perhaps being able to play with them while we were still preparing for camp. But i brushed off the idea and told myself that it wouldnt happen. But there i was, with Mark M's 7000 dollar Taylor (a super nice sounding acoustic guitar) in my hands playing for worship with these guys. I screwed up a couple of times during the worship because i didnt practice (but then again, they hadnt either). It's an eperience i would never forget. After the worship, i had like 5 people come up to me and praise me about my playing. I never guessed that would happen especially when after the worship, i thought i seriously sucked in playing that night because i was so nervous. Perhaps they were just being nice and encouraging me over all my stupid mistakes but it only took one comment by one person to really reaffirm me. Mark D, the drummer... on the 4th day we were gonna have an evangelistic concert, followed by worship, and he asked Reginald (the worship leader) whether i could play with them along with Mark M on lead guitar. I was like "woahh" inside... it meant a lot. And even though i didnt play that night because Pator Alvin was already on stage with his Taylor, i felt a great sense of happiness in me to be able to be accepted among these guys in honouring God in worship.

Oh yeah, i also mentioned that they dont practice. They really dont. like 20 mins before the worship, Reginald or Annabel will choose their songs from their songbook. then just practice for 15 mins (inclusive of about 3 mins of prayer). Hopefully one day, i can do that without screwing up during the worship too.

Also on the 4th night, the e-concert, during the worship, towards the end where they had mostly exhausted their songs, Mark D started playing the drum beat for All Day... then Joshua the bassist followed along with the bass intro... Reginald just gave them a blank stare... and after they clicked with one another and the song was over, Reginald commented that it's dangerous when musicians start to play a song that the worship leader doesnt know... haha...
I also happen to know Mark D and Joshua from ACS barker.... Mark D was 1 year my senior and Joshua was 1 year my junior, so i was able to connect with them during the camp. I will also mention here that Joshua plays a Fender Bass guitar that he's buying from Reginald's brother for 1210 dollars. It has this weird metal piece over the strings where the pickup is. Never seen such a thing before, but it sounds and plays damn awesome.... (maybe the reason why Truthmin worship team plays and sounds so good is because of their instruments).... haha just kidding. I really think not.... more that they're really pro.

I'm seriously super blessed through this camp... even though it drained everything out of me, it was the most rewarding camp i've ever had... To be able to work with so many great servants like Evan and so many others. To have gotten to know so many people and made so many new friends. At this moment, my heart goes out to Evan whose camera, thumbdrive and bible went missing. We were all so tired that we didnt remember what happened to those things. Evan is a really amazing servant of God because he does so many things at the same time and can accomplish all those things too.... He really has a heart for the youth in the churches, no matter who they are. I would actually say that the whole camp was solely planned by him, and he was only recognised as "Games IC"... he handled everything, from making t-shirts to the accomodations, to the games, the structured experiences, the recceing, the food.... At the same time he had to preach for his church youth camp and also write up some papers he had due as a student at Trinity Theological College. Yet he did more than any other camp comm did. I find it quite misleading to only recognise him as "Games IC" when he did everyone else's part in the camp comm.
There will always be unsung heroes.

I really thank the Lord for giving me such a great experience. Truly everything is in His hands. If Youth Camp was made on this week, i wouldnt be able to serve in the ONE camp. So my disappointment with not being able to go for Youth Camp was replaced with the joy of serving in another camp in a MUCH LARGER scale.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures here below, Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts, Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost!

2004-11-07T01:07:00.000+08:00

Can't think of a title

another week gone past... anyway, i took my supplementary paper on monday and i thank God that it went rather well... very confident that i'll pass it.
Then went with Evan to recee ACS (I), and here i begin my rant that ACS (I) is unreasonable and clearly quite dumb. They are charging us heaploads of money just to use their classrooms. For goodness sakes, this is Truthmin under Trinity Annual Conference.... the Methodist Church.... the Church that is bonded directly to ACS (I). Yet they choose to rip us off. If i had the option and Evan agrees, we would have the camp elsewhere. From the money we are paying at ACS (I), we could hire buses to send the whole bunch of youth to malaysia and stay at a 4 star hotel. Furthermore, they say that their cooks at the boarding house arent very happy because they would be on holiday if not for the ONE camp which they have to cater for. Also, we have certain requests of the food and quantity for each meal for programme reasons and they complain we are fussy. Alright then, how about we get our own caterer from outside, that would save all the trouble. NoooOooOooo.... they say they'll charge us double if we get outside caterer because they need to get their pple to clean up after we've finished.... -_-''
Unfortunately, i'm not in charge or have any jurisdiction whatsoever in that department so i can't say nuts. (P.S: their classrooms of which we are using 20 of them, are charged at 55 per hour for 1st 2 hours and 20 for the subsequent hours... however they seem to be giving us some "special" rate)
ok i shall rant no more.... i dont think it's very healthy to rant so much.

today i bought my new bass from seligie... and i'm quite happy with it... for 212 dollars they threw in a strap, bag and guitar cable too...

then i went down to the 3rd place for service. Today, this girl named Winnie (no, not Winnie Ng) led worship, Melissa played drums, Michael played bass and Jeremy played keyboard.
Jeremy isn't from the 3rd place. If i recall, i think he's from Wesley Methodist. On several occasions, ever since the creative arts ministry camp to the recent Young Methodist Leaders Conference, i saw him play the keyboard with the people from Truthministries. I realise one thing... that Jeremy is extremely anointed when it comes to playing the keyboard for worship.
He's currently serving NS which probably makes him 20? 21?
But when His hands touch that keyboard, it's so much different from so many other musicians i've seen. He plays with such humility and is able to minister to the congregation with just his playing... it's so clear that God is using Him directly in this area. He doesnt play with pride or with an attitude to show off... and God just uses the music just speak to a person's soul during that time of worship.
Also, he has that passion, that yearning to do more than what a usual musician would do. He doesnt treat the songs individually and he knows that the whole experience of worship is meant not to be broken.
I remember a time when people would say that this or that person is really anointed, and i would tell myself that ALL christians are anointed, none more or less anointed than another. I still stand by that view that all christians are equally anointed by God. However, i think we need to ask for that anointing, to be able to be humble and dead to oneself and to be totally used by God to become all that He wants us to be.
It is typical for a human being to become a great musician. It is extraordinary for a human being to be anointed as God's musician. I want that anointing too, and i ask that God use me no matter how hopeless or unskilled I am compared to other musicians like Jeremy.

2004-10-23T01:46:00.000+08:00

I will subside

finally a post... it's been a pretty interesting week... started "working" at the 3rd place this week, and although i'm not getting paid, it's been a rewarding experience so far. Hanging there with Jamie and the pple there... doing stuff like prepearing for events etc, it's just very enjoyable to me.
Leading worship this week, and have fasted and prayed over it, and i hope what i'm doing is what God is directing me to do. Talked to Jacob about how to tie in the worship along with his workshop on sunday. He said that i should just make a statement by having no worship, because the youth don't know how to worship. And only when their hearts are changed and broken, will they really truly worship. I can't do that... can't bring myself to, and Jacob says he wont force that on me and that it's up to me. Is that what He really wants? I don't know... Hope all is revealed soon. Practicing with Nat at her place tomorrow morning before heading to the 3rd place for service. that should be interesting too. Will be my 1st time there for service.

On a sadder note, my exam results were released today and i failed one subject again. MSD. but strangely enough i only felt depressed for awhile, now i feel at peace, that God will carry me thru the supplementary paper too.
Probably has to do with me going down to the 3rd place to help out with the evangelistic event there. Parousia (the resident band for the 3rd place) played... and it was awesome. Managed to talk to the guitarist and the others a little after they performed. Really nice guys. i bought their 1st CD back in 2002, which was really good... and now their new material which they performed tonite, was even better... bought their 2nd CD tonite of cos... heh... they even autographed it for me. Their songs are really meaningful, and sound great. Right now, got the song "Subside" in my head.

I was so sure, i'd eventually make things worse
I didnt see, You had something else for me

now i made a mess of it all
listened to my pride
now i cant make sense of it all
and i see the light

so when You and I collide,
I will subside
By your word i will abide,
I will subside

You understand I've got my own dreams and my own plan
without a doubt, I've got my whole life all planned out

But i dont know what's best for me
I only see today
So i trust implicitly
I'll do what You say

so when You and I collide,
I will subside
By your word i will abide,
I will subside

He said those that seek will find
Have eternal life
So i'll glady follow You
My life a sacrifice

so when You and I collide,
I will subside
By your word i will abide,
I will subside

2004-10-01T23:58:00.000+08:00

Humbled

it's been a rough patch ever since i last posted... fighting with things and going to the extent where i sort of didn't care anymore... today, i met up with Jacob again... and it's such a humbing experience everytime i do meet him... they way he puts things together and makes a clear path in front of me... and everytime, that path isn't the easiest to take... but it is THE path to take.

Talked about the zombiness of youth these days... how it's so easy to fall into it... to be caught up with things of the world... it's really a vicious cycle once you take a look at it... and i must say that i am guilty of it at times as well...and it's hard not to fall into that category of zombies. However, it is something i have to achieve and overcome.... not to be held by the world's flashy neon lights and comfortable settings... to choose otherwise...

also talked about my disappointment with the Youth Camp, how i can do a lot for it since i have 2 months of holidays before it but not be able to see some of it through... how it will be the case for a lot of things, where i must do things in life that will benefit others which others will never remember or recognise and be contented with that because God sees all. another thing i really struggle with... i may love to serve God in a lot of ways, but i also like to be recognised for it...

there were a lot of things we talked about.... it's always a challenge... but it's always about what is the right thing to do... quite frankly, without Jacob, i think i would be a lot worse off as a christian... i wouldn't have made it a point to improve myself constantly as a human being and as a christian if not for him.
I truly thank God for giving me such a great mentor... someone who always throws me into the deep end of the pool, but always teaches me how to swim too.

Now i'm writing an email to Pastor Alvin at the 3rd place, to see if i can work there during my holidays... i hope something works out...

2004-09-21T22:57:00.000+08:00

"Fear will kill me, all i could be, lift these sorrows, let me breathe" - Alter Bridge

sometimes i question myself whether i should avoid putting things that i have problems with down here to avoid stumbling people... but i guess i can't pretend i'm perfect, i do struggle and wrestle with things....

I can't go for Youth Camp this year because 2 days of the camp land on school days, where i'm having my internship.... this is despite me saying that the camp should be held at an earlier date for the sake of the poly students who wont get another chance to go for Youth Camp after this year.... as in this year's the last year we can make it.... period. Yet the person organising it chose to book the campsite on the date where we cant make it... because it's the only slot left... it's understandable... but then i'm still asking, we don't HAVE to go to the campsite right? there are other places.... for example our 12 million dollar church that would have just finished renovating?
sigh, i can't say that i blame the person organising it... but yet i can't say i'm happy at all.... i felt like a dagger had been driven through my heart when i was told that it was on the 11th to 14th, instead of the 1st week of dec...
What i really don't get is what God wants me to do now.... He placed in me such a strong desire to serve Him... and it's one of my greatest joys to serve Him during Youth Camp, especially after the way He used me and others last year... Now, that joy is taken away... it's too painful to know that I can't go for something so close to my heart... right now i'm even thinking about going to the 3rd place until the end of the year, so that i wont get attached to stuff in YM.... guess i can feel to a certain degree of how euclid before he left. To do that is probably something i gotta ask myself whether i should be doing.... I feel alone right now, i barely get to talk to my close friends... Even if i do get to talk to someone, i barely feel any lighter of my load.... except with a certain individual or another...
I really don't know what's in store for me... maybe i should help out with the ONE camp at truthmin.... thinking of perhaps working at 3rd place during my holidays too... i don't know right now.... all i know is that i am stumbled, and i'm gonna have to bleed for awhile....

amazing how rock bands can really speak of how you're feeling when you're down...

On broken wings I’m falling
and it won’t be long
The skin on me is burning
By the fires of the sun
On skinned knees I’m bleeding
and it won’t be long
I’ve got to find that meaning
I’ll search for so long

"Broken Wings" - Alter Bridge

2004-09-17T23:36:00.000+08:00

And the projects rumble in....

projects due coz it's the last week of school... getting kinda exhausting coz i see so many projects to do... some of them are quite silly... 2 business plans.... blarg.... Just gotta do what i have to do... one step at a time. But the thought of everything is just such a turn off...

The Blues aren't over yet... right now, i'm thinking... 168hrs (1 week) ago, i would be at the conference at this very moment worshipping God with so many other people, where i felt COMPLETELY free as i worshipped Him. It would have been just the 1st night only too.... sigh... just remembering everything just makes me really emotional... think that's the word to use... actually i can't really describe the way i feel right now.... just blues. ok i gotta stop thinking so much about the conference... even though it makes me think of all the good stuff that happened in it, it's also making me feel horrible that i'm in a different situation now....

just got back from observing the 9am band practice for Sunday's worship... was rather interesting again.... used to observe last time back when they practiced in the sanctuary... but back then, i had just begun to lead worship, didn't play an instrument etc... lack of experience.... now, after all this time, it's a large change in perspective... observed things that can be improved upon etc...

gtg and kun now... still not 100% recovered yet...

2004-09-14T22:53:00.000+08:00

Consuming Fire - United Live
got this from Ben's Blog... think it's a really powerful song.... and it's my prayer for the Church right now...

There must be more than this,
O breath of God come breathe within,
There must be more than this,
Spirit of God we wait for You.

Fill us anew we pray,
Fill us anew we pray.

(Chorus)
Consuming fire fan into flame,
A passion for Your Name,
Spirit of God fall in this place,
Lord have Your way,
Lord have Your way with us,

Come like a rushing wind,
Clothe us with power from on high,
Now set the captives free,
Leave us abandoned to Your praise.

Lord let Your glory fall,
Lord let Your glory fall.

Stir it up in our hearts Lord,
Stir it up in our hearts Lord,
Stir it up in our hearts Lord,
A passion for Your Name.

2004-09-14T22:16:00.000+08:00

The trend of Blues

yep, got them old Conference/Camp blues again... just missing the whole atmosphere of being around with so many brothers and sisters worshipping together, being able to share how God has touched you etc....
Makes me wish i could do that for the rest of my life... to be able to work in the church and see these things happening everyday, just brings so much joy to me. Can't imagine myself doing anything else for the rest of my life.... some people say it's in my blood.... i dunno... all i know is that i wanna serve full-time in the church...
But right now, i still have Poly and NS to deal with...
At the same time right now, i'm feeling lonely... my closest friends are busy... it's hard to find the right people to talk to.... it's hard to have to face these blues alone... just wish i was back 3 days...
But that wouldn't be real...
tomorrow, i'm going back to school, finally after the conference and my medical leave... let's hope i can face up to it... I gotta approach things with a victorious attitude, but right now, i don't know if i have the strength to... Lord, I ask that You carry me...

2004-09-13T11:59:00.000+08:00

I have returned again... i'm sick....
alright... i'm at home now, after having slept 12 hours straight... and i'm still tired... why? my throat is sore, and i think i have a fever coz i feel rather warm even though it's about to rain here. Not going to school today for obvious reasons... gotta see the doctor later to get MC.. blagh... why can't there be an online MC system... hah... ok i'm being wee-tar-dirt...

On another note, the Young Methodist Leader's Conference was amazing... absolutely an eye opener and a recharge... some of us discovered gifts we didn't have... and ultimately realised that the Methodist Church is moving towards a revival... we're just a few coals on fire, and the rest of the church is still unlit, but through the fanning by the Holy Spirit, the rest will catch fire eventually.

I saw my old school buddies from barker, andrew chang and andrew chia... and it's amazing, they too are on fire for God and yearn to see Him move in their church too.... this is despite the fact that we all used to be crazy kids, doing stupid stuff last time... we all had matured into God-fearing Christians.

Quite a few of us from TMC saw how the worship was like at the conference, and wanted to see TMC's worship develop into something like that... where the congregation truly worships God without any inhibitions.

There were so many things that we took back from the Conference, but ultimately, we all know that God is moving the Methodist Church, and He will not pass us by....

2004-09-09T18:36:00.000+08:00

I'm Blogging!!!
rite... won't know if anyone will read this cos readership has dropped since i've stopped blogging, but decided that it's time for me to start blogging again... finally after a whole month of not blogging...
well tomorrow i'm going to Johor! for Young Methodist Leaders Conference... looking forward to it... the one last year was really really good... looking forward to seeing all the people who i met there, people who i know like pastor foo...
Also, TMC is gonna be back up within a month's time, or a month and a half... which is really short in either case... so many things to be excited about....
on the other hand, exams are in 3 weeks... a bit worried... but think i can handle it this year....
gtg for dinner now.... *sniff*.... po-tae-toes

2004-08-11T10:35:00.000+08:00

Term Break

ok, so this week is my term break... so sorry to those of you out there who are back in school. It's 10:35 and i just woke up.... rubs eyes...

the weekend was definately fun... saturday had worship practice where i played bass for the 1st time. Then has worship team meeting after that.... ok lah... that wasn't THAT fun =P.
Sunday went to church setup for worship then screwed up i think 5 times during worship... i think it wasn't that noticeable, at least it wasnt distracting i hope. After that went to Fuji Ice Palace with Shaun, Joy, Lynn, Winnie, Celestine, Shalom, Vanessa, Xiaorong, Milton and 2 other girls who i don't really know. I got myself all wet coz I did 4 crossovers, which is rather risky on such wet surface... so i ended up on my rear end sliding for about 4 metres. Teaching the others how to skate... like Xiaorong and Celestine... they kinda got the hang of it in the end. Xiaorong's dad was afraid her fingers would get chopped off if she fell and put her hand in a path of someone's skates.... i dunno... just think that's vaguely happy tree friendish http://www.happytreefriends.com...
Then went for Shufen's Birthday Party at her house in Paya Lebar.... wah so many people... so many BBQ pits...it was a fun party, just that 1/2 of us were so wiped out from ice skating that we only hung around for about 2 hours.

National Day was interesting... went to a bungalow somewhere at changi i think... it's a chalet sorta thing... it's opposite the sailing club.... dumped my stuff there with all the old folks, then headed off with Deanna, Nat and Marc to the sailing club to sail... Nat and Marc say that the conditions were horrible... i thought that it was normal.... choppy waves, heavy inconsistent winds etc... so we sailed around for 2 hours... since there could only be 2 people in the boat, Nat and I took one coz she knew what to do, and Marc and Dee took the other boat coz Marc knows what to do.... I felt kinda bad... sorry Nat if you read this.... if You, Marc, Dee and I ever go sailing again, you can take the boat with Marc and i'll just capsize with Dee.... =P
I must say that sailing is definately not easy... takes a lot of skill just to go up and down the shore over and over and over.... it's sortof like ice skating... not very purposeful, just do what you want.
But fun once you get the hang of it.... I'm at least happy to say that i don't have any concussions/ huge cuts or any missing limbs after that... haha....
After sailing, we headed back to the chalet, bummed at the pool then played with the rugby ball a bit before having dinner.... watched the NDP and a bit of Singapore Idol before i went to play pool with Marc... Marc's a really sincerely nice guy.... not many of these nice guys out there really.... Nat count your blessings... Not to mention that he does look good too...

alrighty then.... tomorrow's supposed to be a special day... supposed to be excited about it.... but i'm not really.... many people think it's a very big deal.... but to me it's just another day... i dunno why.... guess i'm just used to not celebrating it already for a very long time...

2004-08-02T09:57:00.000+08:00

Term Test Week

blarg... term tests this week... 4 tests... 2 2hr papers and 2 1 hr papers...1 entirely MCQ... not so bad this time round. Usually during this time in previous semesters i would be peeing in my pants. The good part of this is that next week is my term break... holidays... yea...
anyway, the 4 subjects are:
1. Business Strategies and Planning (cos the government wants to encourage more entrepeneurs -_-'')
2. Data Structures and Algorithms (basically java programming more cheem)
3. Computer Communications (All MCQ whee)
and
4. Microcontroller System Design (another hard one)

Went for Sonic Festival on Saturday.... was quite impressive as well as inspriring... it's basically a showcase of Christian "ARTS" so like dance, theatre and mostly bands.
the bands that played were really professional... and i only saw 2 of them. People using these skills to glorify God... their skill is just utterly amazing... from all the mind boggling guitar solos to all the "what did she/he just do?" drum rolls.... 1/2 the time, ur mouth is just agape...
Jae... u should've gone. There was a bass solo too.
But of course this was showmanship, not a worship concert, so it was rather fine to include those solos in... those in worship team should know what i mean... it's hard to put in an instrumental solo without distracting the congregation during worship... not unless u like come from City Harvest or New Creation (hah... i'm being stereotypical). Strangely enough, even if i go for a more "charismatic" worship at another church that does have instrumental solos, it's quite a bit of a distraction to me too. It takes the focus off God and onto the person playing. I dunno... but that's my take... if anyone out there feels otherwise, good for you.

Finally things are starting off for the worship team again... our "break" is over... and we'll be leading worship this sunday again. It's exciting as well as a bit daunting for me right now. Excited to be able to do all the things that we used to do months back... daunted because i have taken up the responsibility as head of crew ministry (which i wanted to start). So i have to juggle all these things along with lots of other stuff... i'm all out to do it, i just hope i can put my 100% into everything without affecting my studies...
So Joy's leading this sunday, and this marks a new milestone in the worship team... where we begin again... starting with less people who can play because several have disappeared due to one reason or another... but with a lot of young ones who are interested in playing.
All glory to God what ever the result is.